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Burton Cole

I do solemnly resolve in 2024 to do… pretty much nothing

This is it — 2024 is the year that I’m going to drop to a muscular 180 pounds, run a marathon and find the cure for the common cold. I’d also like to buy a Corvette and win $1 million, but I’d better not add those to the list. I don’t want to turn into one of those annoying ...

’Tis the season to be jolly, so pipe down and get on with the cheer

Just one more day! And then it’s Christmas. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Then everyone can stop being so grouchy and snarly, take off the shopping helmets and shoulder pads, stop burning through screens, quit sentry duty against porch pirates and finally GET SOME SLEEP. Then we all can return to ...

All I want for Christmas are my toys from 60 years ago

The gift showed up two weeks early — and transported me six decades into Christmases past. The package came from longtime buddy Tom. I tore through the wrapping paper. As soon as I saw them, I recognized those 3-inch-by-2.5-inch hunks of metal like old friends. It was a Christmas nearly ...

Of all the stupid acts I committed, becoming an adult was worst

When I was 16, I had all the answers but no one would listen to me, especially not my parents. When I was 32, I had plenty of life experience to draw from to advice others, but no one would listen to me, especially not my kids. Now another 32 years have zipped past and I’m just sloshing ...

Seeing red and feeling blue over pink Christmas trees

I am NOT tickled pink over this one. It makes me blue. According gift and ornament retailer Unifury, online searches for “Pink Christmas Tree” shot up 286 percent over the last six months. Thanks, Barbie. What a doll. Barbie and I were born the same year. We’re both in our mid-60s, ...

Of buttons, Scooby-Doo ties and the art of dressing oneself

I clawed through the closet, holding up one tie, then another, then another against my oddly buttoned shirt, trying to remembered what patterns clashed with what. As I settled on an understated yet tasteful Scooby-Doo neckpiece to go with my suit, the truth dawned on me: I have lost the art of ...