As a recovering copy editor, few things get my goat as much as the misplaced apostrophe.
Walk down any street in the U.S. of A. and you’re likely to see signs like these:
• Professional Sign’s & Lettering
• Fried Oreo’s
• Valentine gift idea’s
• Radiator Cover’s Made ...
If I believed everything I read, I’d think that cows are evil, bent on destroying the world by bovine burps and flatuence.
I grew up on a farm in cow country, and trust me, the cows had nothing on us pack of boys when it came to burps, gas-passing and other odoriferous hobbies.
I do not ...
“I need a new knit hat for winter,” I told Terry. “Mine disappeared.”
“Isn’t it on the hat holder by the door?” she said.
“That’s where I put it. But it’s not there.”
Terry walked to the back door. She plucked my knit cap from the far left side of the tray. She dropped ...
In the supposed words of the great philosopher Yogi Berra, “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”
That quote’s also been attributed to Mark Twain, Niels Bohr, Casey Stengel, Robert Storm Petersen and Samuel Goldwyn, among others.
With a past so unreliable, is ...
It was so odd that my wife called me at work: “You got a letter in the mail.”
“You rang me up to tell me about yet another credit card offer?”
“No,” she said. “Your cousin Cindy. She sent you a letter. An actual letter with an envelope, a stamp and everything.”
“Weird,” I ...
Science once proclaimed that what separated homo sapiens from all the other critters was that humans were the only creatures who fashioned and used tools.
(Humans also are the only creatures known to use credit cards and hold committee meetings. You may think your executive committee is made ...
Has any kid ever poked an eye out? His, hers or anyone elses’s?
That was the No. 1 threat parents gave to make us quit doing something:
“Don’t run with that stick in your hand. You’ll fall and poke your eye out.”
“Keep throwing those balled up socks like that and you’ll poke ...
I am my wife’s oldest son.
I don’t know when the transformation happens but it’s an affliction most husbands suffer. One moment, our wives chat about how they fell in love with our boyish charms. The next, they’re spit-washing cereal off our cheeks and ordering us to tuck in our ...
’Tis the season to break out the holiday wear. I don’t mean ties imprinted with Santa’s chubby cheeks, and red and green sweaters littered with snowflakes. Let’s wait until December for that.
I’m talking about pants that are two sizes too large and sweatshirts marked 3XL. If they ...
My phone rang the other day. I held it in my hand and stared at the screen.
“Aren’t you going to answer it?” my wife asked.
“I... I...” I gulped. “No.”
“You don’t recognize the number?” she said.
“Sure. It’s Ralph. But I need at least 30 minutes to psych myself up to ...