Mom couldn’t find her purse. She had wedged it into a hiding place SOMEWHERE in case a burglar broke in, but forgot where her nifty new hidey-hole was. I suggested hiring a burglar to find it. Before I could look up the listing for Burglars, Bandits and Housebreakers in the Yellow Pages ...
“I don’t think this is a good idea.” “It’s a perfect idea.” Falser words were never spoken than whenever Ollie — my third cousin twice removed, but not removed far enough to keep me from getting bent, folded, spindled, stapled or mutilated — declared something as a “perfect idea.” Nothing ever was perfect with Ollie. This hairbrained scheme was no exception. Yet there I was, climbing the ladder, a cardboard box whapping against the rungs behind me. The cardboard box once held a refrigerator or a water heater or some other heavy, nonflying object like that. I ...
The grownups, as always, were rude. They laughed at our TV heroes in the 1960s — Batman and Robin, Secret Squirrel, Secret Agent 86 Maxwell Smart, Space Ghost and Lance Link, Secret Chimp and other defenders of justice. “They’re just trying to sell you toys,” the grownups ...
Ah, June. School’s out, picnics are in and it’s Turkey Lovers Month. What could be better? Unless you’re a turkey and the lovers turn out to love a good turkey sandwich. Roll out those crazy, hazy, zany days of summer. Besides turkeys, June also marks Fight the Filthy Fly Month and Potty Training Awareness Month. It’s also World Naked Bike Ride Month, but just in the Northern Hemisphere. Yeah, I don’t think my naked southern hemisphere would appreciate bicycle seats I have known. June also boasts Carpenter Ant Awareness Week (I believe it’s when you house falls down ...
I told you so! Not YOU specifically. Science. I called it in these very pages way back in 2012. It was the only thing that made sense. Sure, I was a little shaky the time that I insisted that the octopus is the spider of the sea. Maybe my plan to raise a breed of roof goats to keep moss ...
“I’m not a complete idiot,” the sign stated. “Some parts are missing.” The next sign over read: “If I had a dollar for everything I’ve lost… I’d probably lose that too.” Mankind’s most popular hobby just might be losing things. I had the statistics to confirm that ...
