Hey, U! Scram! That, apparently, is the first thing the Colonists said after defeating the British. Oh, sure, the history books claim it was to end taxation without representation, but what really happened is that the newly minted Americans snatched the letter U out of a whole bunch of ...

“I don’t smell,” I confessed to a friend. “Don’t jump to conclusions,” he said, holding his nose. “No, not that,” I said. “I might stink, but my nose doesn’t pick up scents very well. At least that’s what I’ve been told.” “Let me guess,” my buddy said. ...

I’m on an unintended diet. I can’t order a thing until I figure out QR codes, cash apps and all the other modern conveniences that get in the way of getting things done. Yes, I’m a dinosaur from another era. I think I know why those first dinosaurs went extinct — some critter came up ...

Baby, it’s hot outside! Or so I’m told. I can’t go out on account of being in a deeply committed relationship with my air conditioner. When I was a teenager, we spent the summer baling hay in weather like this. I haven’t been a teenager for a very long time. I’ve had plenty of ...

I survived the Great Laundry Wars — so far — with only a few streaks of bleach on my shirt and a pocket full of quarters. And a splash of fabric softener gurgling in my left ear. I never knew washing clothes could be dangerous. I didn’t know I’d have to swing elbows and spar with ...

I am an unmarked man. That is to say, I am one of three, possibly four, tattooless people left in the United States. Years ago, a kid could get sent home from school just for drawing the Batman logo on his arm with a Bic pen. (The Bic worked out OK, but Mom about scrubbed my skin off when I ...