Hello, pals.

Have any of you applied for a job recently? No?

Tricky business, my friends. It’s not like the old days. You know, send in a resume, cross your fingers, and pray for a phone call.

OK fine, maybe I still do that. Whatever.

Job hunting is now a sport. Literally.

In fact, job descriptions alone are like, the first half.

Here’s an actual job summary I recently came across for customer service representative: “The Customer Service Representative (CSR) is responsible for establishing exceptional customers relationships and capturing customer sales (in-person and over the phone).”

Well, duh.

It continued: “Additional duties include gathering prospect information needed to obtain the sale, providing general administrative support and maintaining the customer reception area / front office.”

Um, isn’t this basically saying, “Come into work and then, you know, work.”?

Here’s what employers, in general, are looking for these days. Folks who can:

・ Greet all walk-in customers in a professional and courteous manner.

Be nice to everyone you meet. Thanks, my mommy taught me that one, already, though many moons ago.

・ Answer and direct all phone traffic in a polite, courteous and cheerful manner.

Ditto. Be nice in person AND on the phone. I’ll take it a step further: Be nice to all the humans as often as possible.

・ Ask for the sale.

I’m not kidding. That’s an actual employer directive.

・ Attend daily meetings.

Nah, I think I’ll skip ’em. What??

・ Highly organized; ability to handle multiple, concurrent assignments.

I am a MOM. Hello??

・ Strong attention to details.

Sorry, what was that last thing again?

・ Punctual and professional appearance.

You mean the shorts and T-shirt look is out in a professional setting? Shocking.

・ Ability to receive direction and work well with others.

I think Thumper’s mom may have beat you to this one, no?

・ Essential physical requirements include: Ability to stoop, bend and kneel, squat, kneel and pulling.

Hey, I’m old but not archaic. OK, fine, the stooping and the lifting might not be my strong suits. Sue me.

・ Extended periods of kneeling, bending, squatting and stooping.

All right, enough already with the stooping, sheesh.

・ Carry and lift heavy objects (up to 50 pounds).

Exactly how old to you think I am?

・ Standing, sitting and walking.

I mastered these decades ago, thanks.

・ Performing repetitive motions.

Have you actually ever, you know, worked in an office? Or say, run a dishwasher, done the laundry, made a meal? I could go on, but you get the idea.

・ All duties, responsibilities and experience are subject to change.

This is my all-time fave. This is sort of the equivalent of saying: You’ll do what I say, when I say, how I say. Nyah, nyah, nyah!!

Got it; I can roll with it — that is, do anything, anytime, anywhere for anyone. We good?

Kimerer is a columnist who is currently practicing her stooping. Send her your thoughts (low-slung, please) at pkimerer@zoominternet.net.