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Patty Kimerer

Let Ralphie’s story lead you into holiday hustle

Well, this is it. Crunch time. T-minus 23 shopping days and counting. Or would it be T-minus 24 days? I mean, technically there ARE stores open on Christmas Day. Hmpf. As fictional matriarch Marie Barone of the sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond” often told her son: “I don’t like that, Raymond.” Me neither, Marie. In fact, I think it’s pretty crummy. Remember back when everything was closed on Christmas? Well, everything but a random Chinese restaurant waiting for the occasional, desperate holiday-dinner-gone-wrong family to wander in. Yep, those were the days when ...

’Twas the night before Black Friday, and I’m staying home

I’m breaking with tradition a little … and rushing the seasonal theme a tad, I know! But I thought I’d take a humorous angle on Turkey Day ala Clement Moore’s, “A Visit from St. Nicholas.” Don’t worry, you’ll still get saddled with that one next month, too. I digress. ’Twas the Sunday before Thanksgiving When everyone in the fam Was all stocked up on groceries Everything except SPAM. Not the kind in your inbox But the kind in the can; The faux meat that smells suspect With the consistency of jam. Either way, we all readied To make dishes galore, From ...

An open letter to those not freezing to death in Ohio

An open letter to my family members and friends who live in snow-free locations: Hello! I hope this note finds you well and happy. Gosh, who can believe we’re almost done with 2019. It’s been another whirlwind year at Casa Kimerer! Say, as a special favor in the spirit of the impending holiday season, I was wondering if I could bother you to please not speak to me until mid-May of 2020? That’d be so great, thanks. For real, though. Those of you who hang your hats in Tennessee — or any other warm-climate locale — may have missed it but your frozen friends up north? ...

College life is good for the kid, but not so good for mom

It’s such a huge adjustment, really; going from high school to college. I mean, the move alone is a major modification to life as you know it. Everything you knew before of regular old existence at the homestead is turned completely upside down, physically and, you know, in the feels. Some take to it more quickly than others. For example, I’ve heard of certain contingents of humans who make the transition early in year one, or, if not, certainly by the time the first semester of sophomore year begins the next autumn. Stupid well-adjusted, overachieving mutants. ...

If November were a candy, it would be a Sour Patch Kid

The irony is not lost on me, November. You erratic, inconsistent, tricky, slippery little bugger you. There is hardly a more contrary, divergent month than the 11th, my friends. If November was a comedian, he’d be Don Rickles. You remember Don Rickles — he was a pioneer in the realm of sarcastic comedy. Many of his insults were and remain legendary. Rickles was so funny and you’d invariably find yourself cracking up at his jokes — even though they always came at the expense of someone’s feeling. So while you were amused and entertained, you also didn’t necessarily feel ...

Everything I need to know, Elle Woods taught me

Everything I need to know, I learned from “Legally Blonde.” Well, not really. To be fair, I’ve gone down this path before with some of my OTHER all-time fave flicks, including, “Moonstruck,” “Shawshank Redemption” and “Shrek.” Yes, “Shrek.” It’s surprisingly insightful; only an ogre would disagree. Either way. “Legally Blonde” may not be my actual life road map but it’s certainly a handy compass in a pinch. I do LOVE this film to the point of watching it EVERY SINGLE TIME I come across a broadcast of it on some random cable network. In case ...