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Burton Cole

The GPS lady and road less traveled

Many years ago, poet Robert Frost penned the famous lines, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — / I took the one less traveled by, / And that has made all the difference.” Which is to say, his GPS didn’t work either. My GPS lady will coo something like, “In 800 feet turn left.” My mind begins racing: “Let’s see, a football field is 100 yards, which is 300 feet, so 800 feet is, um, uh, two football fields plus, uh, add the seven, carry the nine, and, somewhere around the 40-yard line… or is it the 25? No, no, it’s um…” About that moment, I spot a dirt ...

I knew a new gnu and other English conundrums

As the great philosopher David Burge once intoned, “Yes, English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.” Or, to quote the title of a volume by Theodor “Dr. Seuss” Geisel, “The Tough Coughs As He Ploughs the Dough.” The rules of our native tongue are simple — every hold is legal and falls count anywhere. It’s bizarre. Or was the word bazaar? No, no, it’s bizarre, the one meaning strange. The other one — same word, different spelling — denotes a marketplace full of little shops. The peculiarities of the language are why you ...

Where do lost things go to not be found?

“Where does the other sock go when you put two in the dryer but only one comes out?” “I have a book that explains that,” I told my visitor as I scanned my bookcase. But the book wasn’t there. “That’s funny. I was just leafing through it a couple of days ago. Or was that last month?” I rifled through a stack of books, papers and cereal boxes stacked against the wall. “It was right here.” I dug through my travel bag. Peeked under the end table. Peered into the refrigerator. You never know. Strange things have appeared in my fridge before. “It’s not here.” I ...

Rainy days and Saturdays always get me drippy thoughts

I pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders. It was Saturday and I sat on my apartment balcony watching the rain. We’ve had so much rain. Rain and more rain. Soggy thoughts swished around my brain. I wondered, if rain falls on a town, and there’s no one to sit on a balcony to watch it, would the rain still be wet? Hey, I didn’t say I thought great thoughts, nor even well-thought-out thoughts. What’s splashing around up there are just the thoughts of a guy who’s parked his brain in neutral and his seat on a padded chair to watch the rain. The rain tapered. I snaked ...

Future colonel infiltrates Churchill Downs

It’s Kentucky Derby week, which reminds me, it’s time to get back to my plan — not to take over the world. Oh, no. I’m aiming to be crowned a Kentucky Colonel. My quest began last year when this farm boy from northeast Ohio wandered into the bluegrass wilds of Kentucky. “I’ll ...

Shh! I’m watching the black-and-white static

I do not have TV service hooked up in my apartment. I have neither cable, dish nor streaming. Nor do I have rabbit ears wrapped in tin foil — but I have fond memories of such high-tech solutions. (Hey, fellow old-timers, remember smacking the side of the set to fix the vertical hold? Fun times, eh? The kids have no idea what we’re talking about.) What I do have is a hand-me-down screen, and secondhand DVD player and a couple boxes full of childhood memories. The other night, I settled in to relive Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce in the 1943 black-and-white movie “Sherlock ...