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Burton Cole

Drink upstream of the herd, and other life lessons

Years ago, when I was in the market for life lessons, I came across a run of cowboy wisdom. The wisdom included nuggets like these: • Don’t squat with your spurs on. • Always drink upstream from the herd. • Just ’cause trouble comes visiting doesn’t mean you have to offer it a place to sit down. • Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction. • An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. My tank has been running low on intelligence lately. Some would say it was never topped ...

What’s for supper? The cap’n says it’s glop

I enjoy cooking. I’m good at baking, boiling or browning good eats. But I came home from my last grocery shopping trip with a gallon of milk, one box of Golden Grahams and one box of Reese’s Puffs. And a tube of peel-and-eat cookie dough for dessert. That’s the thing about being a widower in the kitchen — there’s no point cooking for one, not when you’ve got a buddy named Cap’n Crunch ready to sail on a sea of milk. Occasionally, I’ll get ambitious and fry eggs. I prefer sunny side up — “dippy eggs,” Terry used to call them. But I don’t dip. I love letting ...

Folding sheets with no one fit for blame

The epiphany splatted me upside the head at the laundromat. (Being splatted by an epiphany is something like being socked by a fit, but without the frustration of being swamped by a fitted sheet.) I had just flipped open the washing machine lid to discover “snow” splattered throughout my freshly laundered dress shirts and slacks. That’s when I realized a Great Truth: When you live alone and someone leaves a tissue in their pocket, and the tissue shreds like confetti in the washing machine, the guilty party is fingered immediately, if not sooner. I groaned at the revelation, ...

Pajama tops and fruity shampoos — a chilly love story

It had been a long, tiring day. All I wanted to do was to snuggle into comfy pajamas, flop in my chair with a good (comic) book, and relax. I pulled flannel pajama bottoms from my drawer. Perfect. Then I padded, sifted and slammed through every bedroom drawer, searching for the matching ...

When is a junk drawer truly a junk drawer?

Dried-up rubber bands and balls of single shoelaces. Nine-volt batteries and decks of cards without any aces. Brown paper from packages with snippets of strings… These are a few of my favorite (junk drawer) things. (If you sang the above lines, I offer my apologies to you, Rodgers, ...

Never let a grownup see the boredom in your eyes

Cousin Ollie tossed down his comic book and sighed. “I’m bored.” I was in the middle of a very important panel of my Little Lulu comic. I fumbled for the empty wrapping paper tube beside me and flung it at Ollie. “Here, look for something to do through your telescope.” Back in ...