With great age comes great (but questionable) wisdom

July 12, 2025

I scrolled across a meme that stated: “I’m not afraid of aging — just stairs, tiny print and chairs that sit too low.” Aging has to be about the weirdest adventure I’ve ever experienced. Roller coasters were the most upsetting, frightening and stomach tickling, but aging is coming close to that, too. British barrister John Mortimer, also one of my favorite authors, said, “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” Or as a birthday card asked: “Know why old guys wear their pants up so high? You will soon.” I’m ...

Which of these apps is apt to let me pay my bill?

July 5, 2025

All I wanted to do was pay my bill. That’s it. I bought a service. I owed money. I intended to pay. Remember the old days when you could walk into a place and hand them cash or you could write a check and send it in the mail? Anymore, you need an advanced computer degree from MIT just to order a hamburger at a fast-food restaurant. “I’d like to order a…” “Sir, please, go back to the kiosk you ignored and place your order on the screen.” “But I just want a…” “We do not take orders at the counter. Over there. It’s a touchscreen. Simply tap on what you ...

Aging not so well, one commercial at a time

June 28, 2025

I think it’s the hearing aid ads cluttering my mailbox that annoy me the most. The hearing aid cartel must figure I wouldn’t catch what they’re saying if they advertised on TV, but if I tilt my bifocals just right, and they print it in large enough letters, I might be able to see what they’re selling. What they don’t understand is that I don’t want to hear all the blather going on around me. Silence is golden — especially if the alternative is listening to all the nonsense being bandied about by young pups who have no clue about life. That makes me cranky. Cranky makes ...

Move over, Timmy, Lassie and I need to hide from the Beautiful Princess

June 21, 2025

Growing up, I knew that just about the worst possible career choice would be princess. Beautiful princesses were always getting kidnapped by dragons or poisoned by wicked stepmothers, hopelessly lost in the woods or having their castle stolen. The only career choice worse than princess would be a farm kid named Timmy with a collie named Lassie. On the TV show “Lassie,” Timmy was always falling down wells, getting lost in caves, being trapped under falling lumber and other such predicaments. Lassie forever was stuck rescuing Timmy or having to scamper off to find the adults and ...

Roses are red, poetry makes me blue …

June 14, 2025

Today, my cultured friends, we shall mix some grace and refinement into the proceedings. By which I mean, I shall recite some elegant poetry. Ready? Here goes. Roses are red, Violets are blue; My fish are my favorites, But you’re OK, too. Ah, poetry, the language of romance. If you’re a goldfish. Wait, wait, I’ve got a better one: Roses are red, Violets are blue, You look like a monkey, And you smell like one, too. Alas, thou guesseth correctlyeth. I ain’t much when it comes to this poetry thing. I try, but I just don’t get it. Besides, I’ve seen ...

Civilized man and the art of doing dishes

June 7, 2025

While the sink filled with water, I went over the rules in my head: First, wash the mugs and cups, then the silverware, followed by the bowls and plates, and finally the pots and pans. I know about the rules because way back before I was married, a guy at work told me. He knew because he was a husband. His wife explained it to him. “See, you have to wash the stuff that directly touches your lips and tongue in the cleanest water, then work backward until you get to the pots and pans. Your water ought to be pretty gnarly by then, but it won’t matter because you don’t lick the ...