Burton Cole

The website BabyCenter just released the list of most popular baby names of 2024, and once again, for the last 4,000 or so years in row, my name never came close to cracking the top 100.

Burton ranks No. 14,361 this year for most popular boys names, plummeting 10,030 spots like a Rock (No. 9,478) thrown into a River (No. 89).

Those of you with uncommon names know the struggle. Our names aren’t like every Tom (No. 62), Dick (Richard, No. 406) and Harry (No. 552). Or especially not like Noah (No. 1), Liam (No. 2) and Oliver (No. 3).

I never find my name on any of those racks of souvenir key chains, mugs or miniature license plates. I have to settle for Gramps — or Grumpy.

When I was a kid, back when we rode our dinosaurs to school and carved our homework on stone tablets, boys were named Jimmy, Tommy and Davey, with the occasional Stinky thrown in for variety.

There was not a single kid in my grade who bore any of the monikers that made the Top 10 list of boys names for 2024 — after Noah, Liam and Oliver are Elijah, Mateo, Lucas, Levi, Ezra, Asher and Leo.

The girls back then were Susan, Becky and Bonnie. We had a Kippy, but her real name was Kathy.

Not a single one of my classmates bore this year’s top 10 girls names — Olivia, Amelia, Emma, Sophia, Charlotte, Isabella, Ava, Mia, Ellie and Luna.

According to another baby names page, The Bump, Burton finished 2023 as No. 3,626 in popularity for boys, down 287 spots from 2022. Burton peaked at No. 222 in 1925, and it’s been downhill (Hill, No. 9,478) since, all the way to the aforementioned No. 14,361 today.

It’s so bad, that when listing famous people with the name Burton, The Bump could only come up with one — moviemaker Tim Burton.

Yep, the ONLY famous Burton The Bump thought to list isn’t even named Burton. His name is Tim.

There have been famous Burtons. I mean besides Bert, the oatmeal-loving muppet who spells his name with an “E” instead of the proper way, with a “U.”

Burton Cummings was a lead singer for the rock band named, appropriately enough, The Guess Who.

The most famous Burton in the 20th century probably was Burton Leon Reynolds Jr. — movie star Burt Reynolds.

But even when that Burt was still alive and a Hollywood heartthrob, people still spelled my name like boring Bert the muppet. I tried not to take it personally, but…

In my case, professionals who find it necessary to address me can’t figure out if I have two first names or two last names. It happened again this past week — twice. Someone at a business looked at a chart and called out, “Cole?”

“Do you mean BURTON Cole?”

The person double-checked the chart. “Oh. I thought … I mean … yes, Burton. Sure. Come on back. Uh, do you have any ID?”

Crazily enough, my surname — Cole — is more popular as a first name than Burton.

Cole finished at No. 155 as a first name in 2023, 3,471 spots higher than my actual first name.

It could be worse. Back in junior high school, our basketball coach could never figure out whether it was my buddy Howard (No. 1,494) or me whose name was Homer (No. 9,489). So he called us both Homer. (This was long before “The Simpson” TV show.)

A Rose (No. 120) by any other name would smell as sweet, according to the great philosopher William (No. 34) Shakespeare. But a Burton still can’t find a souvenir key chain.

Maybe if I changed my name to Maverick (No. 17) …

Mostly, Cole, or Burton, or Burt, or Maverick, doesn’t want to be called late for supper. Give him a hidey-ho, neighbor, at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.