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WRITER: Burton Cole

Grumpy Grammar Guy begs you to stop abusing apostrophes

As a recovering copy editor, few things get my goat as much as the misplaced apostrophe. Walk down any street in the U.S. of A. and you’re likely to see signs like these: • Professional Sign’s & Lettering • Fried Oreo’s • Valentine gift idea’s • Radiator Cover’s Made to Measure • Please remove shoe’s These all are actual signs hanging outside real businesses. Which display proper ...

Pelvic floor therapy addresses incontinence problem

HOWLAND — Julie Landis, 34, an insurance producer from Howland, wanted to stop running to the bathroom so often. She said the urges had grown so frequent that she made an appointment with an urologist to find out if something drastic was wrong. Tests came back negative for medical issues. The urologist suggested pelvic floor therapy. “What’s that?” Landis asked. The pelvic floor is the group of ...

It’s lost forever! Wait, here it is

“I need a new knit hat for winter,” I told Terry. “Mine disappeared.” “Isn’t it on the hat holder by the door?” she said. “That’s where I put it. But it’s not there.” Terry walked to the back door. She plucked my knit cap from the far left side of the tray. She dropped it into my hands. “Right where it’s always been.” “No, it wasn’t.” I shook my head. “You’ve been moving ...

Predictions of flying cars, ape chauffeurs fall short

In the supposed words of the great philosopher Yogi Berra, “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.” That quote’s also been attributed to Mark Twain, Niels Bohr, Casey Stengel, Robert Storm Petersen and Samuel Goldwyn, among others. With a past so unreliable, is it any wonder that our predictions refuse to be dragged into the future with us? This is why apes won’t be driving us ...

Hunter, cook collects favorite wild game recipes

Steve Loder grew up with two great passions — hunting and cooking. It wasn’t much of a leap to add a third accomplishment to the resume: cookbook author. Loder’s “Quality Venison Cookbook: Great Recipes from the Kitchen of Steve and Gale Loder” is the culmination of preparing wild game. “I started cooking with my dad in his restaurant when I was 13, 14 in upstate New York, the Finger Lakes ...

Get yourself a bowl of cold cereal and check the mail

It was so odd that my wife called me at work: “You got a letter in the mail.” “You rang me up to tell me about yet another credit card offer?” “No,” she said. “Your cousin Cindy. She sent you a letter. An actual letter with an envelope, a stamp and everything.” “Weird,” I said. “Hang on. I’m going to Google ‘letters in the mail’ to see what I’m supposed to do next.” Remember ...

Just hire a chimpanzee to remodel your kitchen

Science once proclaimed that what separated homo sapiens from all the other critters was that humans were the only creatures who fashioned and used tools. (Humans also are the only creatures known to use credit cards and hold committee meetings. You may think your executive committee is made up of baboons, but you could not convince an actual baboon to present a quarterly report PowerPoint to the board of ...

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye

Has any kid ever poked an eye out? His, hers or anyone elses’s? That was the No. 1 threat parents gave to make us quit doing something: “Don’t run with that stick in your hand. You’ll fall and poke your eye out.” “Keep throwing those balled up socks like that and you’ll poke your sister’s eye out.” “Stop chewing your Cap’n Crunch so loudly. You’ll poke somebody’s eye out.” The ...

Spit-shined and ready to grow up with wife’s advice

I am my wife’s oldest son. I don’t know when the transformation happens but it’s an affliction most husbands suffer. One moment, our wives chat about how they fell in love with our boyish charms. The next, they’re spit-washing cereal off our cheeks and ordering us to tuck in our shirts. It’s embarrassing. I managed on my own for years as a single guy without once burning down the house, catching ...

City, state recognize Poland woman with rare disease

POLAND — Today marks a victory of perseverance — and a call to continue the quest — for Deborah L. Andio. Andio, a retired optometric tech-app optician from Poland, was diagnosed with a rare joint-destroying condition known as osteonecrosis, or avascular necrosis. It took Andio more than four years to make it happen, but Youngstown Mayor Jamael Tito Brown declared today Avascular Necrosis-Osteonecrosis ...