Do these groovy, comfy shoes make me look old? Or is it naps?

Burt’s Eye View

As far as advice goes, it wasn’t all that encouraging.

The article was titled “Top 15 Things That Can Make Men Seem ‘Old’ To Women.” It was posted on a website called ’80s Kids — which made me feel ancient before I even got to the article. Uncle Sam considered me a legal adult well before 1980 dawned.

I still feel young and hip — when that glitch in my right hip isn’t acting up. I figured I still rank as a pretty groovy, happenin’ dude in the eyes of the chicks, you dig? (That didn’t sound old, did it?)

So I pulled the lamp closer, adjusted the bifocals and squinted at the article to see what habits and traits I should avoid to keep women from eying me as the ancient mariner (or the ancient anything):

Adhering to a strict routine is a sign of an old man. Ha! I calibrated a schedule in a Day Planner once. I think that was in 1977. Haven’t seen the pesky thing since. Routines get in the way of naps.

Coloring your gray hair, believe it or not, smacks of an old guy desperately attempting to look young — and failing. Score another one for Santa Claus! I mean, me.

The first grays began poking out when I was a mere lad of 17, and they’ve been gaining traction, unhindered by Miss or Mr. Clairol, since. The Book of Proverbs says a gray head is a sign of wisdom. Baby, I am SMART!

The article claims unkempt facial hair gives women the impression that a guy looks old. I prefer to think of it as my handsome rugged appeal, not my I-forgot-where-I-left-the-scissors-again look.

Using a handkerchief is an oldies thing. I always carried a hankie in my back pocket when I was a kid in the 1960s. Now my life is an endless search for tissue boxes — unless I’m wearing long sleeves. (Don’t think about it. But it sounds more like something a kid in the 1960s rather than a grizzled old guy would do, right?)

Having boring hobbies. Nope, not me. All my hobbies. If you find them boring, that’s on you. Personally, I find taking naps exciting.

Buying a sports car is such a midlife crisis, aged thing to do. That’s definitely not me — but, true confession, I wish it was. I’d love to zip around in a Corvette Stingray. It’s the financing and insurance that would make me feel decrepit.

Being bad with technology shows a guy up for being archaic. I feel safe with this one. While I’ve never posted a thing on Instagram or whatever the latest social media hotspot is, I am mildly proficient with technology — and I excel in the TV remote control.

Don’t laugh. Have you seen how many buttons they cram onto those things these days? You need an engineering degree just to find The Weather Channel. Or a toddler. I mean the 3-year-old kind, not the kind like me who toddles whenever hoisting myself from a chair.

What I am bad with is any music played on the radio, er, I mean Spotified or streamed or something, this century. My collection of CDs (they were technological wonders at one time) is heavy on the 1960s and 1970s, but somewhere along about 1985 seems to be the day the music died.

Following every popular trend shows an old guy trying to look young. Nope, not me. Do I need to mention my record collection again?

I just wait for the trends to circle back around until they catch up with me again. I’d still be wearing all my big ol’ flared pants from the 1970s if they still fit. They seem to have shrunk in the wash.

I’m not sure if the size thing makes me appear old, or the fact that I might still have those pants does.

That brings us to the item of not updating one’s wardrobe. What’s wrong with if it fits, if it feels good, wear it?

Also, wearing comfy shoes outside supposedly is antiques-ville.

Oh, hush up. If you’d rather live with sore, achy feet just to be young and chic, then I’m jumping on the old geezers’ steam locomotive right now. I’ve been known to wear sneakers with a three-piece suit. I once was invited on a cruise ship (is that an “old” thing to do?) and wore bedroom slippers to the formal banquet.

I’m not liking this list so much. Let’s stop before we get to the points about ignoring skin care (what’s that?), being stuck in the past (when I was your age…) and nasal hair. If women wish to view me as old, well… they’re right! And I fully intend to keep it up. So, there.

Now pipe down, whippersnappers. It’s time for us seasoned folk to take our naps.

• Snore with the fossil and burton.w.cole@gmail.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.


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