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Don’t shop till you drop; drop the shopping altogether

No, I haven’t started my Christmas shopping. I’ve bought nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero.

But I did begin my anti-shopping strategy — insulting, aggravating and otherwise alienating everyone I know. Once everyone no longer is speaking to me, the number of Christmas gifts I’ll be expect to buy is none, nada, zilch and zero.

That’s my take on Christmas shopping. Let me share with you the thoughts of some of the world’s great philosophers on the subject. And away we dash through the gently falling quotes, pocket change jingling all the way.

• “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” — English Proverb

• “My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.” — Dave Barry

• “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” — Bernard Manning

• “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” — Victor Borge

• “Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?” — anonymous

• “You can’t fool me — there ain’t no Sanity Clause!” — Chico Marx

• “When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear.” — anonymous

• “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” — Melanie White

• “Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” — Dave Barry

• “I almost dropped before I shopped. I had to park about two miles away from the mall.” — Crabby Road

• “Christmas shopping for you has made me realize that I know absolutely nothing about you.” — anonymous (but probably a husband)

• “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” — Steven Wright

• “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” — Johnny Carson

• “One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.” — Grace Kriley

• “It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”– Milton Berle

• “As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” — Donald E. Westlake

• “Remember this December that love weighs more than gold.” — Josephine Daskam Bacon

Skip Christmas shopping with Cole at burts eyeview@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or www.burtonwcole.com. It’ll cost you nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero.

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