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Trendy toppled top sheets give him fitted sheet fits

I trust that you’re trendy enough to have ditched your top sheets.

What? Don’t tell me that you’re still using those old things. I knew that I wasn’t with it, but I thought you would be.

It seems that hipsters have put the top sheet to bed by leaving it off the bed.

That leaves us with only a fitted sheet, so named because it gives you fits when you try to fold it. (Pro hint: Fitted sheets were meant to be wadded into a ball and jammed onto the closet shelf.)

Fashion experts claim that toppers have hit the bottom because they don’t add any value, they are impractical and that a good duvet is much better.

(Hold on a moment. Gotta check on something. I’ll be right back.)

Ohhh! THAT’s a duvet. I thought it was one of those devices you use to… well, never mind what I thought. Google says a duvet is fancy, big, soft, pillowy blanket.

My wife always makes our bed in the morning. She does so because she saw Navy SEAL Admiral William H. McRaven’s 2014 commencement speech at the University of Texas at Austin about how to change the world by starting with square corners and perfectly folded blankets.

“If you make your bed every morning, you will have accomplished the first task of the day,” the admiral admonished. “It will give you a small sense of pride and it will encourage you to do another task … and another, and another.”

The making-your-bed speech became a best-selling book and another trend that I failed to follow.

In college, I fluffed up the down mattress roughly once a month, outfitted it with a fitful sheet, top sheet and bedspread, and once made, I wasn’t about to unmake the thing. Too much trouble. I slept on top of the covers, pulling the afghans my grandmothers quilted on top of me. In the morning, I balled up the afghans and smoothed out the bedspread. No squared corners. No perfectly folded blankets. No fuss. A bit of muss.

My wife, on the other hand, fusses over whether the top sheet should be top side up or down.

“When you put the finished side down, it looks good when you turn the covers back,” she explained to me.

Being a logical male, I answered, “The lights are off. It’s dark. How will I know? More, why would I care?”

“You want the finished side down,” she said. “That way, your body is enveloped between the finished sides of the top and bottom.”

“Again, it’s dark, the lights are off and now I’m asleep. How will I know? Or care?”

Being a logical female, she answered, “Because I know, I will care, so therefore, you WILL know and you WILL care.”

So I do.

Now along comes this new trend of topless sheets. Does that mean putting the finished side (whatever that is) of the duvet down so that we can be enveloped in finished-ness?

It’ll be dark. I’ll be asleep. Are there trend police who conduct raids to see if I’m enveloped or if I’ve sneaked a top sheet between me and the duvet?

Tell you what, those afghans are balled up behind the fitted sheet lumps. Let’s make the bed once, crawl on top of the duvet and cover up with afghans.

It’ll be dark. I never got the hang of trends while I was awake. Why should I care when I’m asleep?

Nighty-night.

Cover Cole at burtseye view@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at www.burt onwcole.com.

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