Pondering life’s imponderable questions, memes, wisecracks
I meant to write an insightful, thought-provoking column this week but got sidetracked scrolling through memes and social media wisecracks. It left me with plenty of imponderables to ponder:
・ How many boys are still stuck at the bottom of some abandoned well because they thought their dog was as smart as Lassie?
・ They’re gathering information by going through our trash, learning, plotting… Racoons haven’t forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.
・ A wise man once told his wife — nothing, because he was a wise man.
・ Doctor: “Mrs. Jacobs, your son was in an accident, and I’m sorry but he’s… he’s… he’s wearing dirty underwear.” Mom: “Noooo! Why? Why? Why?”
・ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.
・ I asked my wife why she married me. She said, “Because you’re so funny and make me laugh so much.” I told her I thought it was because I was so charming and good looking. She replied, “See? You’re hilarious!”
・ I have decided to leave my past behind, so if I owe you money, I am sorry but I have moved on.
・ As I put my car in reverse, I thought, “This takes me back.”
・ What if there were no hypothetical questions?
・ Wife: “Have you seen the dog bowl?” Me: “I didn’t know he could.”
・ In Europe, it’s called a lift. In the U.S., it’s called an elevator. We were just raised differently.
・ 10 a.m.: Anything is possible. 2 p.m.: But not today.
・ Tips for staying on task: 1) Make a list of tasks. 2) Take on one task at a time. 3) “Take on Me” was a fun song. 4) Ooh, look, I found the video!
・ Don’t you think being a functional adult every day is a bit excessive?
・ Some of my friends exercise daily. Meanwhile, I’m home watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
・ You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today it was a lost sock wrapped in a dryer sheet.
・ Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a skinny body. Please don’t mix it up again like last year.
・ I miss the days when shouting, “Not it!” got you out of doing things you didn’t want to do.
・ The brownies I started baking in my Easy-Bake Oven in 1979 are ready if you guys want one.
・ One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this,” it usually smells nice.
・ Me: “This show is boring.” Boss: “Again, this is a Zoom conference.”
・ Someone posted they had just made some synonym buns. I replied, “You mean just like the ones grammar used to make?” Now I’m blocked.
・ How social media works: Me: “I prefer mangoes to oranges.” Random person: “So basically, what you’re saying is that you hate oranges. You also failed to mention pineapples, bananas and grapefruit. Educate yourself.”
・ As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
・ Sometimes, you just have to let God fix it because if you fix it, you’ll end up in jail.
• Ponder with Cole at firstname.lastname@example.org, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or www.burtonwcole.com.