Insults have lost their charm. The world would be a less angry place if we laced our crass with class. It’s hard to chuff when you’re chuckling.

Bertie Wooster of PG Wodehouse’s Wooster and Jeeves novels didn’t sink to plebian put-downs like “idgit” or “stupid-head.” His insults crackled with humor and flair:

“He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”

“She fitted into my biggest armchair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing armchairs tight about the hips that season.”

“It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all that was required.”

I grew up in a family which substituted silly insults for terms of endearment. The standard greeting from my Uncle Tom was, “Hey, you flop-eared, lame-brained, flat-headed, fuzzy-nosed, knock-kneed, pigeon-toed nincompoop.” Or if he was in a hurry: “Hullo, Uglier-Than-Me.” Because he harbored no malice in his manner, we loved Uncle Tom’s creative cracks.

I understand today that name-calling of any kind is wrong. But we keep slinging insults about, and boorishly so. How about warming up those cold cuts with studies of some of the classic insults.

・ “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” — Mark Twain

・ “I have never killed anyone, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.” — Clarence Darrow

・ “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx

・ “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” — George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.” — Winston Churchill’s reply.

・ “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” — Abraham Lincoln

・ “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts — for support rather than illumination.” — Andrew Lang

・ “If you were my husband, I’d give you poison.” — Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” — Churchill’s response.

・ “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” — Moses Hadas

・ “This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” — Dorothy Parker

・ “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” — Jems Reston Jr.

・ “He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea, and that was wrong.” — Benjamin Disraeli

・ “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” — Forrest Tucker

・ “I like your opera. I think I will set it to music.” — Ludwig van Beethoven

・ “As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.” — Bertie Wooster (PG Wodehouse)

There, aren’t those better than simply calling someone dingus?

Try out your acerbic charm on Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at www.burtonwcole.com.