How I spent my summer vacation
Burt's Eye View
During elementary school, the first assignment of every year was to write an essay titled, “How I Spent My Summer Vacation.”
Back then, summer vacation was three months of playing baseball, bicycles, camping and pestering siblings.
Somewhere along the way, without meaning to, I morphed into an adult. I’ve just returned from a one-week summer vacation, which I spent in a very adult way — in extensive study to better educate myself and understand more about life.
Which is to say, I sank into the cushions of my easy chair and scrolled through hours of Facebook memes.
Today, I share a few of my favorites in this essay, “How I Spent My Summer Vacation, 2021 — Gray-Hair Style.”
● All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals: staying home; having a nap; eating vegetables; going to bed early.
● Things that used to hurt my back: jumping off garages; crashing my bike; falling out of a tree; diving in the shallow end; contact sports. Things that hurt my back now: sneezing; mopping the floor; washing the dishes; brushing my teeth; tying my shoes; rolling over in bed.
● The fact that my whole body cracks like a glow stick whenever I move yet refuses to actually glow is very disappointing.
● The adult version of head, shoulders, knees and toes is wallet, glasses, keys and phone.
● Been repeating the same mistakes so long that I’m gonna start calling them traditions.
● The best part of being over 50 — we did all our stupid stuff before the invention of the internet, so there’s no proof.
● I got a seniors GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.
● Me, when people give directions like, “Then head north” — OK, Lewis and Clark, do I turn at Chick-fil-A or go toward Burger King?”
● It helps to imagine auto correct as a tiny little elf in your phone who’s trying so hard to be helpful but is, in fact, quite drunk.
● Adulting fail No. 23: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for about 20 minutes.
● No, I can’t do Snapchat or TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do math without a calculator and tell time on a clock with hands.
● Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall. When it rang, I’d pick it up without knowing who was calling. Amazing I’m still alive.
● Over a photo of a rotary phone: Remember messing up the last number and having to start all over again?
● If you had to choose between eating chocolate or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose milk chocolate or dark chocolate?
● Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.
● I had a brilliant thought once. It got lonely and left.
● There’s a fine line between a long sermon and a hostage situation.
● Today I bought a cupcake without sprinkles. Diets are hard.
● I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD. I don’t have it; I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning.
● I’d give up sarcasm, but that would leave interpretative dance as my only means of communication.
• Blast Old Man Cole with more memes at firstname.lastname@example.org, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at www.burtonwcole.com.