Well, folks, six days ago, I turned the old double nickels.

So now that I’m older — and presumably wiser — I thought I’d visit some things that old geezers like me simply just don’t get.

I searched “new inventions” on the internet and found these gems, which I feel compelled to share because, well, they’re just so darned weird.

1) Bacon-flavored lip balm.

Is this a form of bacon grease that you spread all over your mouth. Um, ick.

2) The nose stylus.

Designer Dominic Wilcox came up with this idea. intended to make multitasking even more effective. Looks were obviously less of a consideration, or perhaps he just really liked Clockwork Orange?

3) Metal detector sandals.

Well, I suppose if already walking along the beach, why not have your footwear search for treasure for you? Who knows, maybe they’ve already made someone really rich — or got them thrown into the clink for looking like they’ve escaped house arrest?

4) Inner Selfie Stick.

I just cannot even. Disgusting, y’all.

5) Vibrating jeans.

If you cannot get enough of your notifications and love the feeling of your pocket vibrating every time your phone gets an alert, then good news! Sheesh, what in the heck? These jeans and jean shorts are designed to vibrate when your phone does. No. Just no.

6) Ice Cream Cone Rotator.

Licking an ice cream. Hassle. Right? Not any more, thanks to the rotating cone that will move the ice cream so you can leave your tongue in one place — apparently saving valuable calories. First World problems, anyone?

7) Taste Enhancing Forks.

OK, off the charts on the bizarro meter, no?

8) Pao Fit.

To me, this sounds like an ancient torture device but it’s actually designed to work on your face fitness. That’s what I said. FYI, Portuguese footballer Cristiano Ronaldo endorses these. So, there’s that.

9) Baby Mop.

Sure, the bambino is already crawling all over the floor, why not put that effort to work? Apparently, this onesie acts like a giant cleaning rag letting your little one learn the value of a day’s hard work from a very, very young age.

10) Cutting Board Bird Feeder.

Don’t waste crumbs, feed them directly to the birds.

11) Hamster Shredder.

As the hamster runs on its wheel, it powers a shredder which turns your old documents into hamster bedding. Cool, I guess?

12) Pet Shower Curtain.

True, getting wet while cleaning an animal can be troublesome. But why envelop yourself in something that a psycho killer would wear while cleaning up?

13) iPhone Fan.

Getting a bit hot and bothered as summer approaches? How about a fan that’s capable of plugging into your Apple iPhone. So much for browsing — unless, of course, you use it upside down?

14) Egg Cuber.

Because round eggs are far too natural and boring, clearly.

15) Smart Umbrella.

This is a smart umbrella that lets you know when it’s raining. Because looking out the window is too taxing?

16) Quack Muzzles.

If your Fido is a bit of a mischief maker, the Japanese have you covered. This invention is a dog muzzle which makes your dog look like a duck, because he hasn’t been sufficiently embarrassed by your insistence on putting a Halloween costume on him.

These odd suggestions and many more can be found at www.pocketlint.com (yes, that’s actually the title of the site).

Remind me to invent a site recommending silly sites to avoid.

Kimerer is a columnist who invented her contact info as pkimerer@zoominternet.net.