Editor’s note: This Classic Kimerer column originally ran Feb. 1, 2004.

Ah, February, that short month filled with all those fabulous days. Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day, Presidents Day and, this year, Leap Day.

It’s a little known fact that today, actually, is Cheer-Up-Spring-Starts-in-48-Days Day. Oh, OK, not really.

But, with no malice intended toward any of the aforementioned, wouldn’t it be great if there were some days to celebrate in this little month that were actually worthy of being called “Whatever” Day? You know, days that would rock. Here are some wistful suggestions.

ó No Whining Day. This would be celebrated sometime within the next week or so (smack-dab in the middle of cabin fever season). The natural phenomenon would occur as the moon moved into 64th house, causing the tides to turn and trigger a high-pitched siren to be emitted via children’s television channels. This would, in turn, silence the whine-portion of the larynx in kids (and maybe a few not-so-grown-ups) the world over for 24 hours.

It’d be a day for adults all over the globe to rejoice in the sheer impossibility of children to whine despite vegetable side dishes, 8 p.m. bedtimes or multi-subject homework. No whining for a day would be worthy of a whole week’s revelry, come to think of it.

ó Eat Anything You Want Day. Due to some type of spontaneous reversal of the status of the ozone layer perhaps, an atmospheric marvel would occur resulting in the absorption of food and beverage calories into the air before they could be consumed.

In other words, we would all be able to eat greasy fried chicken, double chocolate mousse, bacon fries dripping in sour cream, triple strawberry milkshakes or any other fat, sugar, sodium and / or carbohydrate-laden treat with no health risks or other ill-effects.

Yep, no added pounds, clogged arteries or elevated blood pressure. The day would lend itself to cake-and-ice-cream celebrations.

ó Sock Clemency Day. Where do they go? It’s the age-old question. You take them out of the washer, but somewhere between the dryer and the drawer, they are gone.

On this particularly garment-friendly day, socks all over the world would reunite with their lonely matches, no questions asked.

Shoot, why limit it to socks? We could all join our hands, sing “Kumbaya,” close our eyes and wait for underpants, boxer shorts and the occasional negligee to miraculously reappear from the invisible abyss lurking in the collective laundry room of mankind.

While we’re at it, let’s say we allow for other things borrowed to be returned anonymously on that day. Think pals’ tools, relatives’ Pyrex dishes and neighbors’ cups of sugar.

ó Sunshine Day. A reverse eclipse, so to speak, might produce at least one perfect sunny day. Oh, heck, let’s make it once a month. If you’re gonna dream, might as well make it big, right?

Residents of Warren, Youngstown, Seattle, London and dreary, cloud-covered cities everywhere would take to the streets in jubilation as that fiery star we keep circling would grace us with its uninterrupted presence at least once every four weeks. Crime, violence and generally all nastiness would subside monthly and people would greet each other as warmly as sunshine because they were finally getting some.

Meanwhile, have a Happy-My-Column-Got-Syndicated Day. Oh sorry, didn’t happen. It must be all that imaginary sunshine going to my head.

Happy When-it’s-All-Said-and-Done-We’re-Lucky-to-be-Here-so-Don’t-Take-it-for-Granted Day, anyway.

Contact Kimerer any day of the week at pakimerer@icloud.com.