Nana-nana-nana-nana, I want NO bats, man

My Sentiments Exactly

Have you ever had one of those days when your get-up-and-go is too pooped to even have got-up-and-went?

Truth be told, that phrase has always driven me a little bonkers since the grammar itself also appears to have left the building, capisce?

Words folks like yours truly don’t appreciate sentences that would have made our collective fourth-grade English teacher cringe in loathsome disgust. Drives them batty to be blunt.

And speaking of the terrifying furrily flying winged things. … What, you had a better segue in mind?

I’ll have you know (in case you didn’t already) that the Ohio Department of Natural Resources will come to your house and pull your hair if you harm even one on a bat’s head.

OK, that’s not exactly 100 percent accurate but you can get into deep doo doo with the department if you deter, diminish or dislocate the dreaded little darlings even if they invade your attic or any place else near or INSIDE your casa, a’ight?

It wasn’t specific on those in your belfry, but I digress.

Here’s the stern warning via the ODNR website:


“There are 10 bat species commonly found in Ohio and they are all insectivores, meaning they eat insects. They are able to exist near human homes without making their presence known.”

See? I told you so — sneaky! Also, check out the first word in the header. It’s not, “Your favorite cousin Mary Ann visiting from Columbus.”

The ODNR did offer some advice:

“To remove unwanted bats from a building, place an exclusion device over their main entrance and seal all other holes … After ensuring all bats are gone, the device can be removed and the last exit sealed.”

Great. Why don’t we just put mints on their tiny pillows while we’re at it?

Exclusion? Hello, we aren’t talking about some uptight preppy girl ignoring the school valedictorian because she’s a dolt, we are talking about cohabitating with Count Dracula, thank you very much!

“To protect flightless bat pups, it is unlawful to perform an exclusion between May 16 to July 31 if there are 15 or more bats inside a structure,” says the ODNR.

Fifteen? Shudder times a billion.

“Occasionally, a bat may get into your house. If one does, there is no need to panic. Open a window or exterior door, and close interior doors, confining it to one room if possible. The bat will leave as soon as it locates the exit.”

Oh, well OK, as long as you have a bat flight attendant pointing those out continuously, you should be fine.

Have the peeps at the ODNR ever even SEEN a horror film? Um, hello, bats are flipping sneaky and scary. They sleep upside down for crying out loud!

But I am telling you as “Straight Up” as Paula Abdul would in the 1980s, bats are first-class citizens in the Buckeye state. Seriously. Do not mess with them.

Besides, they don’t even mention, but of course I will, that there’s always that rare possibility that one might suddenly turn into a vampire, yo — and yikes!

Fine, take the bats’ side, ODNR.

A glimmer of hope?

“Bats can be found on nearly every part of the planet except in extreme deserts and polar regions.

I don’t know about you, but I’m seriously considering a move to the Mojave dessert, friends. Then again, come to think of it, winter in northeast Ohio may just have a saving grace, after all!

Kimerer is a columnist who also happens to be a scaredy-cat when it comes to bats. Contact her with no mention of the species, please, at pakimerer@icloud.com.


Today's breaking news and more in your inbox

I'm interested in (please check all that apply)
Are you a paying subscriber to the newspaper? *


Starting at $4.62/week.

Subscribe Today