Will the real Amber and Johnny sit down, shut up
The other day I sat down with Kyle to see what he was so intently watching on the telly.
Lo and behold, it was the Amber Heard / Johnny Depp trial.
Or what I like to refer to as the case of the “Hollywood People Who Have Too Much Money, No Scruples (on either side) and are Acting Like Spoiled Rotten Brats.”
Inside of four minutes, I developed a fairly significant headache. Pretty sure it was a mild migraine. It immediately inspired me to pen this little sonnet:
Amber and Johnny, sitting in room.
With a real-live judge and jurors, too.
First came her claims, then came his.
But frankly, this stuff’s none of my biz.
Or yours or ours or maybe even theirs?
Yet day after day their dirty laundry airs.
I must confess my compulsion to say:
I couldn’t care less, at the end of the day.
Am I the only one on this big blue ball who is NOT glued to the trial of the, well, week, I guess, since not one goes by that isn’t filled with images of the beautiful people spewing the ugly things about each other?
HUGE, LOUD, DEEP SIGH.
Let’s tack on a GRUMBLE with a healthy dash of GRRRRR and a whole shaker full SHEESH sprinkled on top.
Listen, for very personal reasons, I cannot tolerate the concept of someone (and I mean anyone) physically abusing their spouse, partner, child or, you know, any of the other humans. Period.
So, if that truly was a factor in this whole madcap mess (and at this point, who the hex knows?), I have genuine, deep sympathy for the victim(s).
That being said — holy crap am I sick of “Joamber.”
Sorry, that’s what I refer to the case in which swashbuckling “Pirates of the Caribbean” star Depp sued lesser-known actress Heard for $50 million because she indicated in a 2018 Washington Post op-ed piece that he abused her.
“Although she didn’t name him, he claims her allegations impacted his ability to work. She is pursuing a $100 million counterclaim.”
Their sad, screwed-up, odd and ultimately violent relationship reads more like a television script or a Hollywood screenplay rather than an actual real-life divorce situation.
And yes, I do realize it’s a defamation case. Know what PK thinks? Well, you’re about to find out.
Look, it’s like I told Kyle repeatedly between the ages of 2 and 6: “Violence is never the answer to a problem.” Here’s an addendum for us all: Hitting another person only makes a bad situation loads and heaps worse, a’ight?
If I was the judge in the “Joamber” trial, this would be my verdict:
Both parties are guilty.
Guilty of treating each other badly, verbally and physically. Guilty of using the case for promotional sympathy / gain in the public’s eye — and likely to advance their careers through the constant coverage.
Guilty of wasting taxpayers’ time, money and frankly, brain power. Your tedious back and forth is nothing short of mind-numbing, Joamber.
And so, my sentence would be this: Each of you will be transported to the farthest reaches of the galaxy and set up in comfortable space pods, with all the amenities of home. Think of it as a wild adventure for you — and a gift to the rest of the world.
Bottom line: If you two had put this much time and energy into your marriage, you could own half the world by now. Please, and I mean this with all due respect, will the two of you just shut up and go away already?
Kimerer is a columnist who put the TV in the closet until such time as Joamber is no more. Reach her via email@example.com