Great contraptions I should have invented

My Sentiments Exactly

You see it every day.

Modernization. Innovation. Conceptualization.

You know, new crap. Happens each new dawn in America. And Canada. And the Motherland. And … well, you get the idea — the earth dwellers are a pretty smart bunch of cookies.

That’s why nothing unveiled, released, launched or reimagined today stays new very long on the third rock. In fact, if you announced it at 7 a.m., your competitors will have splash-shouted their superior sort by sundown.


Tough keeping up with some of these hyperactive humans.

Probably the most successful peeps in this game? I’m gonna say the cellphone folks.

Let’s face it, they have people more addicted to upgrades and awaiting new versions of their product than, pfft, I dunno, Starbucks tantalizing tired teenagers?

I mean, what the heck IS Matcha, anyway? It looks like something Linda Blair shotgun-spattered out of her spinning head in 1973.

Blech. I don’t care for pea soup — or Linda Blair, particularly — to this day. Catholic to my core, capisce?

Seriously, though, stop it, Starbucks. Your stupid swill is slurping up my savings account.

Note to Kyle: Sip slower, sweetie. Sorry, sidetracked. As I was saying:

How many times have you seen some wickedly clever gizmo or awesomely overhauled new version of an old gadget — and the hundred gazillion dollars its inventor rakes in — and thought, “Now, why didn’t I come up with that?”

Or worse, maybe it’s a concept that should have occurred to you, or did, and it was swimming around your noggin for years but you just never acted on it.

Son of a snapper, I HATE it when that happens! I’m such a sad slacker. Take for instance, the self-parking car.

How did I not think of this YEARS ago? Heck, with this puppy around, the dreaded maneuverability portion will finally, mercifully get bounced from that dang driving test!

I may or may not have killed a few cones in my day. Ahem.

Or perhaps, the air fryer? That was a great one and it’s honestly ridiculous that my calorie counting cranium didn’t conceive of it.

Sheesh, with the way I eat? Very little oil, butter, fat, um, taste, really. I TOTALLY should have thought of this!

Not to mention, but of course I will, the Snugli.

Hello? I was like, the original hawk new mom (ask anyone!) and I DIDN’T think to kickstart the kangaroo contraption craze keeping Kyle — and all kids — literally attached at the hip?

That’s just kooky.

Oh, and what about Airbnb?

Haven’t we all been doing this with out-of-town relatives for like, centuries? And it took until NOW for people to start cashing in on forcing others to sleep on an air mattress?

Along those lines, here are a few things I would like to invent, so don’t go stealing them, a’ight?

• Self-cleaning caps. Oh, I don’t mean, spill-free. I mean, something pops out of the squeezy bottle, wipes up all the gunk in the stopper and disinfects it before it goes grimily back in the fridge door. #KerryKimerer

• Climate control clothing. They make sheets and mattresses that adjust to your body temp to keep it hot or cold; why can’t my stretchy pants follow suit?

• Scented masks. Sure, they’ve got them in breathable, waterproof, never-lose-it form. But what about one that saves you from yourself after a Beefy Burrito Supreme?

Brilliant, right? I got a million of ’em, friends!

• Kimerer is a columnist with lots of thoughts. And maybe not enough sleep. Reach out with inventive suggestions www.patriciakimerer.com.


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