Best big brother’s birthday? Better believe it
My Sentiments Exactly
Do you know what Wednesday was?
Well, yes, Ash Wednesday and the start of the Lenten season. Let the fish fry and pierogi sessions commence!
It also happened to mark the one-year anniversary of my gig at my day job. And what a sweet little situation it is.
My work peeps are fab, and I’m super grateful to be there. What can I say — I love that place, a’ight? #PDMIRocks
But it was a super special day for another reason, as well …
Because last Wednesday was also the birthday of my brother, Dan.
Now, I’m not trying to brag or anything but I have to tell y’all that I have, hands down, the world’s greatest big bro, yo.
This is a man who endured unspeakable childhood misfortune, namely being the only boy in a girl-dominant trio of sinister-sistered siblings. Being stuck with the Gina / Patty Show was no Sunday matinee, you dig?
Let’s face it, it’s a miracle he survived his older sister bossing him around constantly and his younger sister antagonizing him incessantly. He was, in essence, our built-in fall guy.
Bottom line, if she could blame it on him to avoid prosecution and sentencing, she did.
“I’m not even strong enough to have lifted your bed to look for hidden Christmas gifts. That had to be Danny!” argued artificial attorney and freakishly formidable girl Gina.
No angel myself, if it could get me out of a jam, I’d throw that boy under the bus faster than Superman catches bullets in his Krypto-choppers, capisce?
“Mommy! Danny tripped me, and I fell and broke my Barbie mirror!” little-brat-version PK (then PM) whined, whipping up more fake tears than Visine.
I neglected to mention, naturally, the preceding pounding I gave him with said mirror, nor that the tripping of his tormentor was completely unintentional, unlike our motives.
Oh, and let’s not forget holding him captive while we repetitively sang The Beatles’ “Yesterday” entirely off-key and with full malicious intent for the entire hour it took to get to my grandparents’ house in Ashtabula.
Despite his begging for the encore to end, we tortured the poor kid until his guitar — and soul — gently wept. #SistersAreMeanToBrothers
Yet, he remains the kind of big bro who will pummel you into polenta if you look at Mom or any one of his family members the wrong way, capisce?
This is a dude by whom you can set your clock; he’s that dependable.
No one adores his nephews, nieces and their puppies more than Uncle Dan. No one is a greater authority on “Star Trek.” Or “Star Wars.” Or meatballs.
No one else will watch “A Christmas Story” with me in the heat of August. Only Dan can rival me in reciting the entire movie verbatim.
And no one knows ’80s music better, especially the original artists / VJs featured on MTV.
Speaking of MTV, I am literally outraged that they could bleep out the word “God” during a recent showing of the movie “Ghost.” Um, with the trash y’all hawk as programming? Oh, no, you dittint!
Heaven help you heathens. Hmpf.
All I know is, I am done with that channel, but thank You-Know-Who for my big bro. Happy birthday, Dan!
• Kimerer is a columnist who loves her big bro and thanks GOD GOD GOD for him and all her other blessings, too. Send MTV-free viewing suggestions to her via www.patriciakimerer.com.