Quick shout out to the demon with the yellow eyes, venomous fangs and forked tongue moonlighting as a phlebotomist at my local lab. BT dubs, you may want to invest in a more appropriate disguise, er, I mean uniform?

I’m thinking a smile and some scrubs might play a little better with the clientele. Hiding your pointy tail and webbed fingers with a lab coat and some gloves might not hurt either but, you know, totally your call.

Oh, a quick backgrounder to summarize this mini-horror story for y’all? Sure.

Due to a little genetic glitch in my methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR) — not to mention my wildly weird eating habits, ahem — I have to have my blood drawn every month.

Like, four vials, yo. Every time. From the same lab. Each month. As in, in four weeks, PK will be right back at the counter.

Not that I enjoy it, but given her scaly-skinned veneer and all, you’d think Vampira would jump at the chance to suck my veins dry … and not necessarily with a syringe, capisce?

Anyhoo, that’s why I need to make sure all my various vitals stay vivacious — especially since MTHFR is chock full of super fun potential health issues including but not limited to:

• Acute leukemia

• ADHD

• Anxiety

• Autism

• Autoimmune disease and thyroid issues

• Bipolar disorder

• Cardiovascular and thromboembolic diseases (specifically blood clots, stroke, embolism and heart attacks — how fun)

• Chronic pain and fatigue

• Colon cancer

• Digestive issues, including irritable bowel syndrome

• Hormonal issues, including polycystic ovary syndrome

• Migraines

• Nerve pain

• Pregnancies with neural tube defects, like spina bifida and anencephaly

• Recurrent miscarriages in women of child-bearing age

• Schizophrenia

Yup. That’s MTHFR. Shoot, why didn’t I get the genetic anomaly that causes tetrachromatic vision — the one in which you can see things in Technicolor to the 100th power? Now THAT would be awesome.

Or the malaria resistance one? Even if you get bit by, like, 872 tsetse flies, you won’t be bugged by the pesky parasite. Not that I want to get bit by anything, anytime, anywhere, a’ight? But still, immunity in any form is a neat party trick.

Heck, why not dream bigger? Like being vexed with a variant causing chocolate cake to work as a fat burner? Now THAT is a mutation I can get behind — especially if it ignores my behind.

Or maybe one that reverses wrinkling and sagging after you hit 40? Um, beam me up for that one, Scotty!

Or, oooh, how’s about that one in X-Men in which you get those wicked cool slasher hands? Could come in particularly handy for those with the chocolate cake quirk. Just sayin’.

Heck, even being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle — TMNT — beats just being stuck having MTHFR. And yes, sadly that’s really the acronym.

I couldn’t even have conjured a more comical moniker for my under-chlorinated gene pool. Indeed, MTHFR is one annoying little mutant. And speaking of that phlebotomist…

I realize you hate the earthlings and all, but since you DID choose to inhabit our planet, perhaps you could try a little harder not to be a complete dog-breathed jerk-face to them when a clerical error prevents you from seeing their bloodwork prescriptions from the doctor’s office, um, right downstairs?

Kindness to the other humans, people. Very chic, very vogue. It’s what’s for 2021. And forever, you feel me? #Peace

• Kimerer is a columnist seeking peace on earth, especially in America. Come on, folks, let’s get it together, ‘kay? Visit her via www.patriciakimerer.com.