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This year’s election setting: ‘Typhoon Tumble’

“You know it. I know it … and the American people know it.”

Eagle-eyed readers will recognize that phrase as a favorite go-to line of Bob Dole.

You remember Bob Dole, right? He used to be kind of a big deal. A retired American politician, statesman and attorney, he served in both the House and the Senate, and was the 1996 Republican presidential nominee.

Anyhoo, old Bob (and I do mean old — he’s still kickin’ it in 2020 at 97!) loved a good quip back in his campaign-trail days. He even joked about his lovely wife, Elizabeth, being a bigger deal than he.

“At least she’s president of something, which is more than I can say,” he laughed after his failed run at the presidency.

I dug him. Still do. Yep, I loved Bob Dole despite the fact he often referred to himself in the third person as “Bob Dole.”

All that to say: You know it. I know it. And the American people know it — this year’s election cycle is a bit of cyclone. In fact, if it was a dryer setting, I’d dub it the “Typhoon Tumbler.”

Indeed, the dryer-load equivalent to this election would be the one in which someone accidentally dropped a blood-red dress in with the whites … and a fur coat … and a goose-down pillow … with a hole in it… and a pair of bedazzled jeans … that have chewed-up wads of gum in each pocket.

Yeah, it’s that messy, yo.

On the one hand, you’ve got the sitting pres. He’s bossy and loud and crass and rigid. Nobody really likes him.

On the other hand, you’ve got Joe I’m-Barely-Conscious Biden. He’s scattered and confused and not terribly effective — especially since he’s been in office for about 892 years. Nobody really likes him.

Sigh.

This sorta seems like a no-win sitch. I mean, I can’t really get behind anybody con much gusto, capsice?

Sure, it isn’t the first time we’ve had a, “Well, I really detest him / her a smidgen less, I guess?” state of affairs when it comes to this big decision.

Again with the sighing.

I guess I’m just wondering why we can never have candidates we really feel AWESOME about supporting? Like, say, for instance, Robert Downey Jr. Now, I could totally get behind him for president.

He’s America’s comeback kid, yo. He made every mistake out there and still wound up as Iron Man / Sherlock Holmes. Um, hello? Winner, winner, chicken shawarma dinner.

Or how about Eddie Murphy? He’s quick and funny and can work a crowd. I mean, if he can tame Shrek, Kim Jong-un’s got no chance against his charms, am I right?

Or, what about my favorite pick of all — Dolly Parton? She’s larger than life (well parts of her, anyway), but despite all the glitz and glamour and self-proclaimed “cheap-o wigs,” this woman is a survivor.

She came from nothing to become a country, television and movie star. Yet somehow, she still seems real, and warm, and caring and kind.

She’s the American dream, all wrapped up in the most adorably patriotic, God-and-people loving, Southern-drawlin’ package. And everybody loves her.

Heck, she even makes her own butterscotch pie with walnut-bacon toffee. Can’t you just see those savory state dinners going that much smoother? Sorry, not sorry, Michelle Obama. #AmericansLikeCarbs.

Dolly 2020, y’all!

Kimerer is a columnist who isn’t thrilled by the presidential prospects but DID #VoteEarly … and wants you to, too. Visit her at www.patriciakimerer.com.

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