Just wear the flippity-flopping mask already

My Sentiments Exactly

It worked for Zorro.

It works for all those singers on that oddly popular FOX-TV music show.

It’s the highlight of many a themed ball, not to mention being a requirement for Mardi Gras, Carnivale and, of course, my least favorite “holiday” — Halloween. (Don’t get me started on why that is so NOT a legit holiday. I digress.)

Motion pictures, classic television series and even Broadway plays have been founded upon characters sporting a wide consignment of various makes and models.

Also, y’all, it’s been a staple for like, 82 percent of all the major superheroes in the history of um, comic book superherodom — oh, and clearly for almost 100 percent of the villains they repeatedly fight.

Hey, what’s up with that, by the by? I mean, if the Batman is really all that, why is the Joker not serving 847 back-to-back life sentences in the Gotham clink for the criminally creepy, huh?

Oops, I pulled a Britney and did it again. Either way.

Look, masks are not just for lawbreakers or parties or even those who can outrun speeding bullets. After all, today’s face-coverings ain’t your Grandad’s veneer, a’ight? So, I beg the question: when did masks become Public Enemy No. 1?

Sheesh, they’re just little pieces of colored cloth trying to achieve a noble task in a world gone cocoa loco, yo. Why are masks suddenly the Charlie Browns of the accessory world, for Pete’s sake? It’s a world full of Lucy Van Pelts, I’m afraid.

For all you haters out there, let me just offer a different approach. Why not think of all the BENEFITS wearing a mask offers? Sure, they make for a toasty church service and occasionally fog up your lenses. But there ARE some distinct “pros” to masketeering, such as:

• You don’t have to brush your teeth. I mean, ew and all, but hey, if you’re in a hurry, now it can wait.

• You can skip wearing your retainer — or you can sneak in a stick of chewing gum (for those with braces who ought not be doing that). Nobody will even know! Well, your orthodontist will, eventually. And your mother will know; she can always tell when you’re fibbing — even when you’re incognito, yo.

• You can run out without your dentures in all your glorious gummy glory!

• It makes mumbling under your breath at people much less noticeable. Not that I would ever condone such an act, natch.

Still not convinced? Even after you got your special-order dolphin-bedazzled beauty from Amazon, finally? Well, consider this: Toss on some sunglasses and a non-identifiable ball cap and now you’re completely on the lam, see? Just think:

• The paparazzi won’t find you. You can walk amongst the common folk unnoticed.

• You can buy trans-fat-filled foodstuffs in peace and without judgment or fear of reprisal. Consider the doughnuts and cookies and pastries, oh my.

• Makeup freedom. Woot woot!

• You can hide from your two quarrelling besties … or your high school boyfriend who shops at the same market … or your old boss. Ahhhh, nice.

• You can customize the exterior and get that pouty-lipped Lisa Rinna look you’ve been wanting to test without having to actually inject poison into your face.

• Laugh lines? Ha!

Oh, and let’s not forget the best of all the reasons to slap that puppy over your nose and mouth — um, saving yourself and the other earthlings from getting sick, OK? Put on the flippity-flopping mask already, capsice?

• Kimerer is a blogger / columnist who’s still smiling these days; you just can’t see it under her cute sunflower mask! Find her at www.patriciakimerer.com.


Today's breaking news and more in your inbox

I'm interested in (please check all that apply)


Starting at $4.39/week.

Subscribe Today