Just wear the flippity-flopping mask already

My Sentiments Exactly

It worked for Zorro.

It works for all those singers on that oddly popular FOX-TV music show.

It’s the highlight of many a themed ball, not to mention being a requirement for Mardi Gras, Carnivale and, of course, my least favorite “holiday” — Halloween. (Don’t get me started on why that is so NOT a legit holiday. I digress.)

Motion pictures, classic television series and even Broadway plays have been founded upon characters sporting a wide consignment of various makes and models.

Also, y’all, it’s been a staple for like, 82 percent of all the major superheroes in the history of um, comic book superherodom — oh, and clearly for almost 100 percent of the villains they repeatedly fight.

Hey, what’s up with that, by the by? I mean, if the Batman is really all that, why is the Joker not serving 847 back-to-back life sentences in the Gotham clink for the criminally creepy, huh?

Oops, I pulled a Britney and did it again. Either way.

Look, masks are not just for lawbreakers or parties or even those who can outrun speeding bullets. After all, today’s face-coverings ain’t your Grandad’s veneer, a’ight? So, I beg the question: when did masks become Public Enemy No. 1?

Sheesh, they’re just little pieces of colored cloth trying to achieve a noble task in a world gone cocoa loco, yo. Why are masks suddenly the Charlie Browns of the accessory world, for Pete’s sake? It’s a world full of Lucy Van Pelts, I’m afraid.

For all you haters out there, let me just offer a different approach. Why not think of all the BENEFITS wearing a mask offers? Sure, they make for a toasty church service and occasionally fog up your lenses. But there ARE some distinct “pros” to masketeering, such as:

• You don’t have to brush your teeth. I mean, ew and all, but hey, if you’re in a hurry, now it can wait.

• You can skip wearing your retainer — or you can sneak in a stick of chewing gum (for those with braces who ought not be doing that). Nobody will even know! Well, your orthodontist will, eventually. And your mother will know; she can always tell when you’re fibbing — even when you’re incognito, yo.

• You can run out without your dentures in all your glorious gummy glory!

• It makes mumbling under your breath at people much less noticeable. Not that I would ever condone such an act, natch.

Still not convinced? Even after you got your special-order dolphin-bedazzled beauty from Amazon, finally? Well, consider this: Toss on some sunglasses and a non-identifiable ball cap and now you’re completely on the lam, see? Just think:

• The paparazzi won’t find you. You can walk amongst the common folk unnoticed.

• You can buy trans-fat-filled foodstuffs in peace and without judgment or fear of reprisal. Consider the doughnuts and cookies and pastries, oh my.

• Makeup freedom. Woot woot!

• You can hide from your two quarrelling besties … or your high school boyfriend who shops at the same market … or your old boss. Ahhhh, nice.

• You can customize the exterior and get that pouty-lipped Lisa Rinna look you’ve been wanting to test without having to actually inject poison into your face.

• Laugh lines? Ha!

Oh, and let’s not forget the best of all the reasons to slap that puppy over your nose and mouth — um, saving yourself and the other earthlings from getting sick, OK? Put on the flippity-flopping mask already, capsice?

• Kimerer is a blogger / columnist who’s still smiling these days; you just can’t see it under her cute sunflower mask! Find her at www.patriciakimerer.com.


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