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Look on the bright side at the pandemic pluses

My Sentiments Exactly

Well, it’s been two months. Like two, full flipping months.

How ya hangin’ in there, my peeps? Yeah, me, too.

Blech. #OverIt

I know there’s lots to be scared about out there in the big old pandemic world these days. Sick as we are of being in the casa, the thought of leaving it? Hmm.

All of sudden, I’m hearing “The Clash” crooning through my cranium.

“Should I stay or should I go now? / If I go, there will be trouble / and if I stay it will be double / So come on and let me know / This indecision’s bugging me / If you don’t want me, set me free / Exactly whom I’m supposed to be? / Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?”

Boy, who knew back in 1982 those punk rockers would be so prolific 38 years later? Especially that last line, yo. #Pandemic Pounds

Today things are just so … foreign, you know? Life is just weird. Time is like standing still and warping all at the same time. Lots of stuff’s super cheap right now, like, um, gas, mortgage rates… uh, airfare, for sure. I see a ton of sales on clothes and cars.

Hotel rooms and car rentals are pretty reasonable just now, too, I’d guess.

Then again, other stuff is WAY ridiculously marked up. Think toilet paper, paper towels, hand sanitizers and soaps. Aluminum foil… it’s like $27 per foot now, I think.

And shoot, some things have all but disappeared. Yeah, TP’s back, but tell me where I can find yeast and flour, will ya? Oh, oh, and my favorite fake food topping “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” spray? Bam! Nowhere to be found!

Dude, what the heck? Is somebody out there baking tons of bread, smothering it with ICBINB spray and wrapping it in foil to freeze for later… like when all the meat finally runs out? Yup, looks like that might be happening soon, too. I’m guessing steaks are up to like $45 per ounce?

Luckily, I don’t eat the stuff though my husband and son like it a lot — along with most of the world, apparently. #EatMore Tuna

I keep trying to look at the bright side. So, here are a few things (’cause I think there are only like seven in toto) I like to refer to as PANDEMIC PLUSES:

* Telemedicine office visits. Sure, it’s not as good as having the doc look in your actual mouth as you say AHHHH. But then again, you don’t have to get weighed;

* Canceled dental visits. Self-explanatory;

* Not losing your car in the mall parking lot. Or the restaurant parking lot. Or the movie theater parking lot. Or the concert venue parking garage. You get the gist;

* Not having to wait in line at the restaurant. Or the ball field. Or the ticket window. Or the airport;

* Church may be closed but all lines are still open. In fact, more people are pandemic praying than ever. Lots of humans seem to have found the Big Guy thanks to COVID-19, actually.

That, my friends, is more than a huge plus. It’s nothing short of a miracle. P.S. He was never missing in the first place. He’s listening to us and we are gonna be OK, capisce?

Keep on prayin’, pandemic peeps. And grab some gluten if you can find it. Peace out.

• Kimerer needs a little fresh air and some yeast. Send her ICBINB spray vouchers via www.patriciakimerer.com.

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