You know, now is when it finally pays off to be me.

Oh, I know, I’m a dork by all estimations and of fairly considerable percentage.

I don’t carry designer bags.

I buy formal dresswear exclusively from the clearance bin.

On the rare occasion you see nail polish on these man hands of mine (think weddings, graduations, etc.), I put it there my dang self.

Ditto my tootsies, which are so frightening that I do make a concerted effort to keep them painted year-round … you know, for the gastrointestinal wellbeing of the other humans within visibility who might catch a glimpse of them in the raw and hurl up hunks.

Either way.

Then there’s that deep, dark brunette bush of a moptop I got. Yeah, I cut and color that bad girl all by my lonesome — which is sadly apparent to the masses, I’m thinking.

Regardless, I trim my own split ends and wash in that black hue like clockwork, solo, every month. You should see how smoothly I run my salon; right out of the basement stationary sink, see?

Let’s face it, with all the physical distancing and mandatory hermitting, we weirdo outliers are being revealed as… quarantine queens, thank you very much.

OK, first of all, I love to cook. It’s just that normal, everyday, running-23-hours-a-day PK doesn’t usually have time.

Well, she’s got time now, yo. And breakfasts, lunches, dinners and even desserts are surfacing on the Casa Kimerer kitchen island like bluebirds to Snow White’s open bay window after a song, a’ight?

Then again, maybe I’m more Cinderella than Snow White these days?

Laundry, cooking, cleaning, writing my fingers off, freezing stuff, blanching stuff, conquering the Crock-Pot, mastering the microwave, even resurrecting that crazy “INSANITY” workout video.

A no-frills gal can keep herself really occupied in so many square feet, especially if she’s not really one to trip the light fantastic in the first place, capisce?

Yeah, I’ve been a veritable little busy bee. Shoot, I’ve even been bingeing “Breaking Bad” with my boy. #BestPartOfThis

I even had a birthday in the midst of all the kookiness. And guess what? I didn’t miss cake or cookies or crowds one bit.

OK, I lied a little. I miss the crowds.

Because even though I’m a homebody who doesn’t require lots of fancy schmancy schtuff, I do love me some humans.

Like, a lot.

Social distancing is hard for the huggers.

Hmpf.

So I will keep smiling and sweeping and sauteing and snorting when I laugh, but I’d be fibbin’ if I said I didn’t want to be free from the four walls sometime soon. Just so I can give my peeps a much-needed, overdue squeeze.

Ah well, we’ll save it for the end of the you-know-what.

Sheesh, I hope if comes soon. Otherwise, I might be blonde by the time y’all see me again. Seriously.

• Kimerer genuinely likes being home, but come on, already! Check out her quarantine quarterly at www.patriciakimerer .com.