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Dear Annie: I’m a 31-year-old woman and have managed a small business for four years. I’m stern but fair, very capable and very attractive. I’ve dealt successfully with skepticism and flirtation, and I have always maintained my dignity and friendliness. A few days ago, however, I had an experience that severely shook me.
From my office, I heard some employees arrive at quarter to 9. Humiliating as it felt, I had to “mmphff” as loudly as I could to get their attention. I’d arrived at the office three hours earlier to do some work and was accosted by robbers. They made me open our safe and left me very tightly bound, gagged and hogtied face down on the floor. I spent the next three hours struggling, desperately trying to avoid being seen in this embarrassing condition.
I could barely lift my head, but I heard a number of my staff open the door, oohing and gasping as they rushed toward me. My secretary reached me first and began trying to pull the gag from my mouth. Others started working on the various knots (I’d been bound with five or six strips of cord).
My plan had been to jump up after I was free to demonstrate my resilience, but I was just too tired. After working on those knots for a while, I could finally stretch out, and they helped me to a chair. When this embarrassing ordeal was finally over, I walked a bit and could only manage a “Thanks, guys,” as I sat down and tried not to cry. It was just so humiliating to have my staff see me in such an undignified condition.
I’m obsessed that whenever they look at or think of me now, they’ll picture me helplessly tied up on the floor. I just want to disappear forever. I’m so embarrassed, and I really feel like quitting and hiding in my house forever. I’m very depressed, and if it weren’t for my loving husband, I’d be a complete basket case.
Annie, do you think I’ll get over this? Can I do anything to put this behind me? -- Tightly Bound
Dear Tightly Bound: I’m so sorry you went through such a frightening ordeal. It happened only days ago, so be gentle with yourself. You can’t expect to bounce back overnight.
If you haven’t reported the robbery to the police or received medical attention yet, please do. I strongly encourage you to speak with a therapist, too. What you went through was terrifying, and you shouldn’t have to work through it alone.
As for your employees, I imagine they felt nothing but fear for you and relief that you were alive. Don’t confuse being helpless in a dangerous situation with being weak. You were the victim of a crime, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
You’ve spent years proving yourself as a capable leader. One awful morning doesn’t erase any of that. You asked whether you’ll get past this. I believe you can, but you don’t have to hide your pain to prove how strong you are.
Dear Annie: I’ve been married to my husband for 27 years, and until recently, I thought we had a pretty solid marriage. We’ve raised two wonderful children, survived job losses and family illnesses, and always prided ourselves on being honest with each other, especially about money.
A few weeks ago, I was looking for a document in my husband’s desk when I came across a credit card statement for an account I didn’t recognize. At first, I thought it was a mistake. Then I saw the balance: nearly $24,000.
My stomach dropped.
When I confronted my husband, he admitted he’d opened the card three years ago without telling me. He’d been using it for expensive golf trips, dinners with friends, electronics and other things he knew I would question. He insisted he wasn’t having an affair and said he’d planned to pay it off before I ever found out.
What hurt me most wasn’t even the money. It was the fact that for three years, he’d been looking me in the eye while keeping this enormous secret.
We’ve always discussed major purchases, and I’ve passed up plenty of things I wanted because we were trying to save for retirement. Meanwhile, he was quietly spending thousands of dollars on himself.
When I asked how he could justify lying to me, he said, “I didn’t want to upset you. Besides, it’s my money, too.”
I nearly fell off my chair. Of course it’s his money, too. But isn’t it also our future?
He’s apologized and promised it won’t happen again, but now I find myself questioning everything. Are there other accounts I don’t know about? What else has he been hiding? Every time he goes out with friends, I wonder what he’s spending.
I don’t want to throw away 27 years of marriage over a credit card, but I also don’t know how to rebuild trust when the person I trusted most has been deceiving me for years.
Am I making too much of this, or is financial dishonesty just as serious as any other kind of betrayal? -- Betrayed By the Balance
Dear Betrayed: You’re not upset about a credit card. You’re upset about three years of lies, and that’s understandable. Financial honesty in a marriage is a very important component.
Take his apology as something to be valued. Ask for complete transparency about your finances and make a realistic plan together to pay off the debt. A financial counselor or marriage counselor could help.
It’s not about the money; it’s about the trust. The good news is that trust can be rebuilt, but not with promises alone. It takes honesty, accountability and time. Your husband needs to do the work.