Trending
DEAR ANNIE: I'm overwhelmed with anger and resentment. My 86-year-old mom, who has lived in the same town as me for 30-plus years, blindsided me by announcing she was moving an hour and a half north to live with my brother. My husband and I have taken care of her -- and my father when he was alive -- for the past 20 years.
I feel extremely hurt and blindsided by this decision. I fully accept that she's a grown woman and can live wherever she wants. However, I found out afterward that my brother and sister already knew about it and had been discussing it with her for quite some time. She even notified her independent living residence before dropping the bombshell on me.
I feel completely disrespected by my mom and siblings for not including me in these discussions or even planting the seed that this was a possibility.
Am I out of line for feeling so angry and hurt after being the only sibling in town taking care of her for the past 20 years? Should she have given me some kind of heads-up that she was thinking about this?
-- Hurt and Disrespected
DEAR HURT: It never feels good to realize you're the only one in the dark. After 20 years of being the main caregiver, you definitely deserved a heads-up.
But try not to see your mother's decision to move as a rejection of everything you've done for her. Perhaps she's just ready for a change of scenery and a little more time with your brother.
Tell her that you respect her decision but were hurt by how you found out. You can tell your siblings the same. Then give yourself some time to adjust. You have every right to be upset, but at 86, your mother's time is precious. Don't spend too much of it being angry with her.
DEAR ANNIE: I'm 62 years old, and lately I've noticed something about my adult children that breaks my heart. They seem to have time for everyone but me.
I have two daughters, ages 32 and 35, both married with children. I know they're busy, and I try to respect that. But I'm always the one calling, suggesting dinner or asking when I can see the grandchildren.
Last month, I invited everyone over for Sunday dinner. I spent the afternoon cooking their favorite meals, only to have both daughters cancel at the last minute. That same evening, I saw pictures on social media of one daughter out with friends and the other at her in-laws' house.
I was hurt, but I didn't say anything. I don't want to be the mother who makes her children feel guilty for having their own lives.
My husband tells me to stop trying so hard and let them come to us. But I worry that if I stop reaching out, the phone will simply stop ringing.
I raised my daughters to be independent, and I'm proud of the women they've become. I just never imagined that independence would mean feeling so unimportant in their lives.
Annie, how do I tell my children I miss them without sounding needy or making them feel obligated to spend time with me?
-- Mom Who Misses Being Needed
DEAR MOM: There's a special kind of heartache in feeling forgotten by the children you spent your life raising. But remember, you raised them to be independent, and that's something to be proud of.
Tell your daughters you miss them, without guilt or blame. They may be so caught up in their busy lives that they don't realize how much their absence hurts.
In the meantime, don't sit by the phone waiting for it to ring. Fill your days with friends, hobbies and things that bring you joy.
Your daughters may not need you the way they once did, but that doesn't mean they don't love you. Sometimes children just need a gentle reminder that Mom needs a little love and attention, too.
DEAR ANNIE: I've worked at the same company for almost 12 years, and until recently, I genuinely loved my job. I take pride in my work and have always received excellent performance reviews. But two years ago, we got a new manager, and going to work has become something I dread.
My boss has a favorite employee who can apparently do no wrong. She arrives late, takes long lunches and somehow gets credit for projects the rest of us complete. Meanwhile, those of us who actually do the work are constantly criticized.
What bothers me even more is the gossip. My boss regularly makes unkind comments about employees behind their backs, including personal details about their marriages, finances and even their appearances. If you don't join in, you're treated like an outsider.
Last month, I spent three weeks preparing a presentation for an important client. During the meeting, my boss interrupted me several times, corrected me in front of everyone and then praised her favorite employee for the project's success. I was so embarrassed I could barely speak.
The next morning, I calmly explained to her privately that I felt undermined during the meeting. She laughed and said, "You're being too sensitive. You need to learn to take a joke."
Annie, I've raised children, managed difficult situations and worked hard my entire life. I know the difference between a joke and humiliation.
Several coworkers feel the same way, but everyone is afraid to complain because we need our jobs. I've considered going to human resources, but I worry it will only make things worse.
I hate the thought of leaving a company I've devoted so many years to because of one person.
Should I speak up and risk making myself a target, or keep my head down and accept that this is just how some workplaces operate?
-- Dreading Monday Mornings
DEAR DREADING: As Maya Angelou wisely said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Your boss's behavior says far more about her character than your worth.
Start documenting incidents and consider speaking with human resources. Stay out of the office gossip, and don't be afraid to look for another job in a less toxic environment.