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Q: I’m an about-to-be first-time grandma. Since my son and daughter-in-law live nearby, I’m excited to fill an active and positive role in my grandchild’s life. But I also want to be careful to respect appropriate boundaries. Do you have any suggestions?
Jim: Congratulations! Grandparents can have a significant impact on the lives of your grandchildren, especially since you’ve gained valuable perspective after raising your own kids. As first-time parents, your son and his wife may soon feel overwhelmed by the nonstop responsibility — so you can help them view this little one through the eyes of a lovestruck grandmother.
The best gift you have to offer is the gift of your time. I’m sure you well remember that new parents need a break occasionally. Instead of a vague “let me know if I can help,” try suggesting a specific time — for example, “How about if I come over Thursday evening at five so you two can get out for a couple of hours?” You can also extend an open invitation to call you whenever they feel they’re reaching the end of their rope.
Incidentally, here’s an important piece of advice about giving advice. You may not totally agree with the way your grown children are raising your grandchildren. But be very careful about the way you broach that subject, especially with your daughter-in-law.
I say that because they, as parents, have the final say and responsibility for the way their child is raised. Your duty in almost every situation is to abide by their decisions. The one exception is if an irresponsible parent’s behavior or neglect is exposing a child to harm. Otherwise, offer advice only if asked, and work at building a relationship through which you can share the benefits of your parenting experience — and your unconditional love.
Q: We have stricter rules than most parents in our neighborhood — especially about where our grade-school children are allowed to go. One result is that most kids on the block hang out at our house! I’m glad they feel comfortable here, but sometimes it’s a bit overwhelming. What can we do?
Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: You’re wise to be cautious and intentional. Through two decades of counseling families, I’ve heard many stories of neighborhood interactions - some very good, and unfortunately, some very bad. Positive experiences are built on familiarity. As you get to know other families on your street, you can teach your children ways to be aware and assertive without needing to be fearful.
Keep in mind that it’s good to model boundaries by saying “no” when it makes sense. While it’s great that your house is currently “the home” in the neighborhood, you need to determine what you realistically can and cannot do. For example, if you don’t have the budget to feed the whole neighborhood, talk to the other kids about bringing their own snacks. On the other hand, if you can afford at least some “friend food,” consider factoring a reasonable amount into your household budget as a relational investment.
Make sure to clearly communicate with other kids (and parents) about the behavioral rules in your home. It’s also OK to establish time limits and “take a break” days. I especially suggest having ALL the visiting kids help with cleaning up before they leave. This helps teach respect and responsibility to everyone — your kids and their friends.
Remember that this will be a relatively short season where you have a window of opportunity to pursue relationships with your neighbors. Stick to the boundaries that make sense for your home so you’ll have the energy and margins for this kind of visiting traffic.
For more tips, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/Parenting.