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Q: I'm a college graduate in my mid-20s. Unfortunately, my mother seems unable -- or unwilling -- to acknowledge that I'm an adult. How can I help her understand I'm not a kid anymore?
Jim: It's relatively common for parents to struggle with the idea of a daughter or son moving ahead into full adulthood. There can be any number of factors involved; for example, this issue often arises in families with a history of marital conflict and divorce. The empty-nest years can seem especially threatening to a woman who, for whatever reason, has likely been pouring much of her emotional energy into her children.
In that context, I'd suggest a good starting point would be trying to understand -- but not necessarily excusing -- your mother's viewpoint. If you can grasp an idea of her motivation for clinging to your childhood, that awareness can help inform a productive discussion as two equal adults.
From there, you'll need a degree of assertiveness to outline healthy boundaries. As gently as possible, affirm that you love her -- but explain that you need to establish and maintain your adult independence. While your mom might initially feel "rejected," she needs to understand and acknowledge that this is a normal part of anyone's growth and maturation.
Meanwhile, make sure that you're not "enabling" your mother to keep you in a childlike role. If you allow her to do your laundry every weekend, or count on your parents for financial support, you're actually contributing to the problem. And if you're still living under the same roof, this would be a good time to think about moving out and getting your own place.
Once you've established some healthy margin, I'd advise you to keep the lines of communication open and continue to be sensitive to your mom's feelings. The ultimate priority is your lifelong relationship with her.
Q: My kids are very eager to receive or take -- but seldom seem willing to give. How can we help them become less selfish?
Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Help your children do these things to become contributors:
-- Be humble. Humility is a foundational character trait for all relationships.
-- Develop empathy. Learning empathy early leads to connectedness later in life.
-- Be a noticer and encourager. Teach your kids to notice their own motives. Help them see the value and worth of other people.
-- See work as a way to love others. At its best, work is love in action. Use it as an opportunity to teach kids about responsibility, service and perseverance.
-- Be patient. Patience will yield benefits in all areas of your child's life -- finances, relationships, etc.