DEAR ANNIE: Every year, I host Thanksgiving for my family, and every year I start out with the same hopeful thought: “This time will be different.” I picture everyone laughing, passing dishes around, maybe even helping with the cleanup without being asked. But by the time the turkey is carved, the dream has gone up in smoke along with the sweet potatoes I forgot in the oven.

My sister always has something to say about my cooking (“Is the stuffing supposed to be that dry?”), my brother can’t resist bringing up politics just to stir the pot, and my mother sighs loudly every time someone mentions dessert because she’s “watching her sugar.” By the time we get to pie, I’m exhausted and wondering why I keep doing this to myself.

I love them, truly. But the bickering, the side comments and the under-the-table tension leave me feeling more wrung out than thankful. I don’t want to be the family referee or lecture everyone on good behavior before grace, but I also don’t want another Thanksgiving that ends in frustration.

How can I set a calm, grateful tone for the day without sounding bossy or like I’m running group therapy between the mashed potatoes and the pumpkin pie?

• Tired of

Turkey and Tension

DEAR TIRED: You’re not alone. If family gatherings came with a whistle, half the country would be blowing theirs by dessert. Every family has its cast of characters: the critic, the instigator, the martyr and the one (you) trying to keep the peace while basting a 20-pound bird. A little chaos is inevitable when all these personalities come together. However, everyone at the table should always do their best to be respectful, not only to one another but especially to the host.

Here’s the truth: You can’t control how everyone behaves, but you can set the tone. The trick is to plan for peace the same way you plan the menu. Before anyone arrives, decide what you will and won’t engage in. If your brother brings up politics, change the subject with a light touch and say, “Not today. We’re sticking to gravy and gratitude.” If your sister critiques the stuffing, smile and say, “Then you’ll love it even more next year when you make it.” Humor works better than heat.

And for yourself, remember that Thanksgiving isn’t an audition for Host of the Year. Order a pie instead of baking three. Sit down while the food is still warm. Gratitude starts with giving yourself permission to enjoy your own table.

Families are messy, but love usually hides somewhere between the eye rolls and the second helpings. Focus on that. You deserve a peaceful Thanksgiving. It may not be a perfect one, but hopefully, it’s one that feels a little softer around the edges.

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