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Burton Cole

These dreams go on when I close my eyes…

You know how sometimes a scene plays out in your dreams, something that you couldn’t possibly know when you’re awake, and then two days later, that very thing happens in real life? It just happened to me, more or less. It was astounding. The other night, after eating most of a pepperoni pizza, I fell asleep or passed out or something, and had this amazing dream. The details were quite specific. My friend from Triflestein had been admitted to the Southboardman General Hospital in Southampton, New Jersey. The dream gave precise directions to Southampton, and seconds later — it ...

Singular accusatory tense is no fit for me, but for we

My wife reached for the Kleenex box and came up empty. She locked eyes with me. “We sure go through a lot of tissues, don’t we?” Every married guy knows what she meant. She didn’t mean WE. She meant ME. The implication was that I, personally, must be grabbing tissues by the fistful to bury in the backyard, feed to the dog or rocket to the moon. “We” most certainly could not be her. Her use of “we” in the singular accusatory tense, grammatically speaking. In plain English, the words translated to, “Look, Bub, stop blowing the honker so much.” But use of “we” ...

If life is a highway, I want my senior discounts all trip long

I was on another road trip. Not the kind in a car on asphalt. I mean the unreliable road that twists through my memory banks on its way to the Land of Nostalgia. On this trip, I peeked into the “Burt’s Eye View” archives to recall what I was whining about 20 years ago. There were the ...

Mothers: Those gray hairs are well earned

Hi, Mom! Sunday is Mother’s Day. I’m the kid who made you a mom way back in… well, we don’t need to go into all that. It was so last century. But Tuesday was your 86th birthday. I don’t think you can blame all your gray hair on me anymore. Nature gets the assist. Wasn’t it ...

Births

St. Elizabeth Boardman Hospital BLOSE, Stephanie and Andrew, of Kinsman, a daughter May 9 GORE, Aerianna and Alex Pelley, of East Liverpool, a daughter May 9 MARSTELLAR, Emily and John, of Mineral Ridge, a son May 9 SMITH, Gabrielle and Charles, of New Springfield, a son May 9 SOPKOVICH, Kristen and Jordan, of Struthers, a son May 9 St. Joseph Warren Hospital COGGINS, Amillyon and Andrew King, of Niles, a daughter May 8 MARYHEW, Tiffany and Richard Gally, of Niles, a daughter May 8 TRUMBULL, Dana and Trevor, of Cortland, a daughter May 9

Pelted with pun-ishment and pun-chlines

To paraphrase Mark Twain, “’Tis a terrible death to be punned to death.” Sadly, I came across a new lot of tearable — er, terrible — puns. This is not a judgment call. It said so in bold letters right at the top of the page: “These puns are tearable.” It was one of those ...