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Survey says: Answer your own questions

It seems like a guy can’t even buy a hamburger without getting a side of surveys.

I ran into a store for a box of tissues and a birthday card. A few minutes later, a survey popped up in my email: “Please tell us about your shopping experience.”

Pick up a prescription and get handed a list of warnings and a survey. “Did the pharmacist answer all your questions satisfactorily?” No. I didn’t care for her answer when I asked, “How much?”

Mail a letter, take a class, watch a video, take a walk in the park — get a survey. I can’t even answer the phone without someone wanting me to take a “short, 20-minute health assessment” or “tell us what critical issues our political party should champion.”

I don’t even remember what I had for breakfast. How do you expect me to tell you how many times in the last six months did I shampoo with Suave, Axe or Johnson & Johnson (or was that the firm conducting the survey?)

Everyone has a survey.

The police department took a survey of crime in the neighborhood. It was a criminal investigation.

The dietitian surveyed eating habits, which proved to be food for thought.

The bakery asked for opinions. It was a loaf-changing experience.

The sound technician researched people’s preference on headphones and came away with ear-resistable survey results.

The mathematician asked for opinions on geometric shapes. It was a survey with lots of angles.

The electrician handed out surveys because it gave him an outlet.

It’s nuts, I tell you, nuts. (Please list your favorite nuts in order of preference, and tell us why.)

At first, it was cool. Call this number at the bottom of the receipt, answer a few questions, and get a code for a free deluxe burger or a breakfast sandwich.

Free food? I’m in. Sure, I’ll answer… Wait, how many questions? You want to know what? Listen, I ordered at the drive-thru. I have no clue if your bathrooms were sparkly or if the cook wore a hairnet. How about I just say yes and you give me a sandwich? Deal?

I fell a couple of times for, “Answer these brief questions and we’ll send you a $50 gift card.”

You know how people hated essay questions in school? I never thought I’d find something that would make me say, “It’s not worth $50,” but I’ve found it now!

We thought we’d seen the last of multiple-choice quizzes when we escaped high school. We were wrong, because:

A) We’re doing homework all over again with our kids and grandkids;

B) Life is a series of multiple choices, such as cream cheese or strawberry jam or both on my bagels (please use the space below to explain why);

C) We can’t get anything done because at every turn, somebody wants us to “just take a couple moments to answer a few questions.”

Survey says — D, all of the above.

You can’t duck the survey people, either.

“You didn’t fill out the survey. I will find you and I will make you wish you’d never seen this survey.”

I’m already there, brother!

But they keep popping up: “Hey, you don’t look like you’re doing anything important. Take our survey on why people don’t have time to get anything done!”

This now concludes this week’s column. Please take our survey to rate its effectiveness.

Choose one that most closely reflects your socio-economic, political and breakfast cereal beliefs:

1 — Hilarious

2 — Amusing

3 — Huh?

4 — Like watching ink dry on the latest idiotic survey some clown wants me to fill out.

Thank you. You may now buy yourself a hamburger. A survey will be included with your ketchup.

Quiz Cole at burton.w.cole@gmail.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.

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