This is it — 2024 is the year that I’m going to drop to a muscular 180 pounds, run a marathon and find the cure for the common cold.

I’d also like to buy a Corvette and win $1 million, but I’d better not add those to the list. I don’t want to turn into one of those annoying overachievers.

Come to think of it, as soon as I accomplish any one of those feats, it probably would transform me into an irritating braggart. It would be best for everyone if instead, I kicked back in my easy chair in 2024 and watched cartoons. It worked out pretty well this past year.

I suppose my boss wishes I had committed at least a mild act of productivity in 2023, but that always leads to trouble. The reward for being an amazing worker is more work.

Just ask the Amazing Spider-Man. As soon as he defeats Doc Ock and thinks he can swing home to his web for a well-deserved spider-nap, he runs into the Green Goblin, the Lizard, Black Cat and Electro. Plus, his boss, “Jolly” J. Jonah Jameson, always demands more work, more work, more work.

It’s called performance punishment. The solution, according to my mentor, a guy named Guy, is controlled mediocrity.

So join me as we outline New Year’s resolutions that allow us to strive for adequacy.

• I solemnly swear to, in 2024, eat at least one chocolate-iced chocolate doughnut. And a Boston cream. Perhaps a glazed as well.

• I will go to the gym — with a bag of chips, and cheer on the people pounding the treadmill. “That’s it! Keep going! You’ll get there eventually! Maybe you’d get somewhere if you rode the stationary bike instead.”

• I will honor my doctor’s wishes about losing weight. That means I will need to move to the moon.

• I will show up to work on time. Oh, wait, scratch that one. That’s just insane and ought not be even pondered.

• I will build a blanket fort and hide inside the whole day with chocolate chip cookies and comic books. If my boss complains about a blanket fort in the middle of the newsroom, I’ll feed her a cookie and let her borrow the issue of Donald Duck.

• This is the year that I will pay off my credit cards — with my other credit cards.

• I vow to check my work email at least once a month. I mean, a quarter. Oh, never mind. I mean sometime this year.

• I will drink less hot chocolate. This coming Tuesday only.

• At least once in 2024, I will experiment with taking as many as two trips into the house toting grocery bags. My arms will thank me.

• I swear to NOT act my age. Besides, I’ve never been this old before so I don’t know how I’m supposed to act.

• I will listen to a song by at least one artist on Billboard’s Top 10. Just to say I did it. Once. And then I’ll go straight back to nothing but music from the 1960s and 1970s.

• I will be like a superhero and wear my costume under my street clothes. My superhero costume will be my pajamas. Say hello to Mid-Day Snooze Man! But say it quietly so as not to wake me. Or I might accidentally accomplish something.

There, that ought to get me through 2024 with no harm done. But while there’s still time, I need to finish one of my resolutions from 2023 — eat more chocolate.

• Resolve controlled mediocrity with Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com or at the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.