Relieve Election Day moanings with dad jokes groanings
Another round of mean nastiness comes to a close Tuesday, which is Election Day, and quite frankly, I don’t know if I’m going to make it. But this was nothing compared to the bickering, mudslinging, boasts and befuddlements that await us next year.
It’s ugly stupidity.
I say it’s time to cleanse our collective palate with some refreshing, harmless stupidity. I’m not talking about so-called dad jokes. Oh, no. I’m a grandpa, so I have collected a few “granddad jokes.” After these, you might even be glad to get your next political text or wade through all the campaign flyers in your mailbox.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn’t go into work.
Whoever stole my depression medication — I hope you’re happy now.
Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat.
What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.
How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.
Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
Have you ever had a bad sausage? It’s the wurst.
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie? Sofishticated.
What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.
Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs? Yes! Hailing taxis.
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s OK, he woke up.
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta sea.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company? A crane.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? “Bison!”
What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
If you made this far, fight back by sending Cole your dad jokes at email@example.com or on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.