The great philosopher Tim Hawkins once said, “If (my wife) ever leaves me, I’m going with her.”

Outside of other people’s politics, there’s nothing that baffles and befuddles us more than love. As another Valentine’s Day is about to befall in a flurry of bouquets, chocolates, cards and “Oops, I forgot” (pity that guy), I’ve consulted with the great philosophers of our time to help us navigate the weirdly sweet sentiments of the season:

“I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger.” — Anonymous

“I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.” — Elizabeth Evans

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” — Dr. Seuss

“Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.” — George Carlin

“Love is sharing your popcorn,” and “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — good ol’ Charlie M. Schulz

“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.” — Ralphie May

“I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.” — David Young

“Every day I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesterday… yesterday you were pretty annoying.” — Anonymous

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” — Oscar Wilde

“If your significant other is mad at you put a cape on them and say, ‘Now you’re super mad!’ If they laugh, marry them.” — Anonymous

“A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

“An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” — Joan Crawford

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

“Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns

“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” — David Sedaris

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” — Tim Allen

“Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce

“Love is being stupid together.” — Paul Valery

“There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters. I could be their leader.” — Charles M. Schulz

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate poetry, but I’m into you.” — Anonymous

“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” — Miles Davis

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” — I Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

Send Valentines — or better yet, chocolate — to Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at www.burtonwcole.com.