Thinking about getting married? Are you already signed, sealed and delivered, and wish to stay that way?

Gather around, youngsters, as your gray-haired Uncle Burtie divulges how to talk to the woman you desperately hope to keep.

Actually, I’m still working on the things TO say. But in my 60-some years of gathering wisdom, I have learned — sometimes painfully — what NOT to say.

A few years back, the great musical philosopher Tim Hawkins recorded the song parody “Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife” to the tune of Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life).”

Just before he croons, “If you’re a man who wants to live a long and happy life, these are the things you don’t say to your wife,” Tim sings, “Where’d you get those shoes? I think they’re really lame / Would you stop talking ’cause I’m trying to watch the game” and “I planned a hunting trip next week on your birthday. I didn’t ask you but I knew it’d be OK / Go make some dinner while I watch this fishing show. I taped it over our old wedding video.”

If you don’t get it, I suggest that you stay single. (I’m just assuming that you aren’t a married man.)

This is only the beginning, young grasshoppers. There’s more. Oh, yes, there’s always more. For example:

・ “That’s not how my mom does it.” I hope Mom hasn’t turned your old room into an office because you’re going to be moving back in real soon.

・ “It’s not the dress that makes your butt look big.” Remember, it’s ALWAYS the dress. Or the pants. Or the humidity. Or the lunar cycle. It’s NEVER her.

・ “Calm down. You’re being irrational.” Buddy, you haven’t even met irrational until you utter something that foolhardy.

・ “Aren’t you ready yet?” The cake has a couple minutes left on the timer, she can’t find her shoes (you could help look) and for crying out loud, can’t you see this hair? Any numbskull would know that she needs two more minutes — using the same measure of time it takes to play the final two minutes of a football game.

・ But there’s nothing you say that’s so idiotic that you can’t make it worse: “It’s just your family. You look good enough. Let’s go.” Have fun going alone and explaining to her mom why her baby isn’t with you.

・ “What did you do all day?” I may not know all the tasks she accomplished in trying circumstances, but I do know where you’re sleeping all night. Or rather, where you’re not.

・ “Whatever.” Whatever that whatever was about, was it worth it?

・ “Are you that stupid?” Nope, but now we know who is.

・ “I can’t say anything without you taking it the wrong way.” She’s not taking that very well, either. But you’re going to get it.

・ “It was just a joke.” Here’s a hint: If she’s not laughing, it wasn’t a joke.

If it’s too late and you’ve already said one or more of those things, there’s still a chance to thaw the chill. Remember the words of the great philosopher: “No husband was ever shot while doing dishes.”

And remember, sometimes the most macho thing you can say is, “I’m so sorry. How can I make it up to you?”Or you could install cable in the doghouse since you’ll be sharing it with Rover for a long time.

Ask Cole how he knows these things at burtseye view@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at www.bur tonwcole.com.