It’s playoffs time, and we’ve got a snark-fest for you today, folks. In a triple-threat match of masters of offbeat one-liners, we present Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005) vs. Steven Wright (born 1955) vs. Julius “Groucho” Marx (1890-1977).

Let’s get right to the action.

“You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” — Mitch Hedberg

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.” — Steven Wright

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” — Marx

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?” — Hedberg

“I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.” — Wright

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx

“A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.” — Hedberg

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’ so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.” — Wright

“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.” — Marx

“I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just an, ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'” — Hedberg

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.” — Wright

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” — Marx

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Hedberg

“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” — Wright

“I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.” — Marx

“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it!” — Hedberg

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” — Marx

“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.” — Hedberg

“I have a map of the United States … Actual size. It says, ‘Scale: One mile equals one mile.’ I spent last summer folding it. … People ask me where I live, and I say, ‘E6.'” — Wright

“With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now.” — Marx

“I like to throw a toothpick into the forest and yell ‘you’re home!'” — Hedberg

“There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” — Wright

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.” — Marx

“Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.” — Hedberg

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” — Wright

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” — Marx

And there’s the buzzer. Folks, it looks like this one is ending in a triple crown.

Send your favorite one-liners to Cole at burts eyeview@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or www.burtonw cole.com.