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At first, it was a joy to watch those "First Time Hearing" videos in which hosts listen to decades-old pop music. It warmed my heart to see young adults blown away by how good the music from my generation sounds.
But the more I binge-watched the YouTube videos, the more depression rolled in.
"Never heard of them," one mid-20s newbie said of Aerosmith and their 1973 single "Dream On," the band's first of many hits. "Did they do anything else?"
And, "The Eagles? I thought they were a football team."
I haven't felt this old since 10 years ago when a kid behind the counter rang me up for a senior coffee without checking my ID. Or 20 years ago when a cute young lady told me I'd be a perfect date -- for her mother. Or 30 years ago when I first heard one of my childhood rock beats played soothingly in elevators.
But c'mon, man, how could these first-timers have gone through their short lives never having heard of The Beatles? Chuck Berry? Lynyrd Skynyrd?
"He's got a great voice, but what's this about the bullfrog?" one wrinkle-free guy commented after listening to Three Dog Night's 1970 smash hit "Joy to the World."
Well, mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey to you my young friend. What can't you understand about "Jeremiah was a bullfrog, was a good friend of mine, I never understood a single word he said…"
I've morphed into Jeremiah. The kids don't understand a single word I say -- or sing.
Once, I greeted a guy walking into a meeting with "And heeeeeeere's Johnny!" The greeting was returned with blank stares.
(Note to young punks: Long before Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno -- and don't say "Who?" -- Johnny Carson hosted "The Tonight Show." The "Here's Johnny" bit was how his sidekick Ed McMahon introduced him every night. Carson retired in 1992. Yeah, yeah, I know, years and years before you were born. Shut up!)
"Today, we're going to listen to Earth, Wind & Fire," the wife told her husband on one of those first-time videos.
"Oh, I remember them," he said. "I watched that cartoon when I was a kid. They held their rings together and said, 'Earth,' 'Wind'… Yeah, 'Captain Planet.' That's where I remember them from!"
Um, by our powers combined, no. Not even close.
The song was "Fantasy," which EWF released in 1978, the year I graduated from high school. So just a couple years ago or so. Let's see, 2022 minus 1978… carry the one… and it's only been…
Oh. Well, joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, I am old. Ribbit.
But before I chant, "Don't trust anyone under 30," I admit to a spot of cultural illiteracy myself. I glanced at this week's Billboard Top 10. I recognize only half the names on the charts -- and exactly zero of the songs.
Most of the "current music" I play at home now is the rat-a-tat-tat, boom, crack, pow that resounds every morning when I "oof" my way out of bed. Those rhythms are accompanied by background moans and groans when I have to explain "UHF channels" and "don't touch that dial." That all plays under the melody of my snoring as I fall asleep in my easy chair by 9 p.m., ignoring the invite to every big party.
Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
Play that old time rock 'n' roll with that Old Timer Cole at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at www.burtonwcole.com.