My office walls are bare. I’m searching for a life philosophy that I can hang as a motivational poster — minus the motivation. I don’t want to be nagged into actually accomplishing something.

After studying the wisdom of the great philosophers, I’ve narrowed it down to these:

“Trying is the first step toward failure.” — Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons”

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” — Mitch Hedberg

“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain — and most do.” — Dale Carnegie

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” — Dave Barry

“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” — anonymous

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” — Mark Twain

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.'” — Steven Wright

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” — Mindy Kaling

“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.'” — anonymous

“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” — Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), “Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear”

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — anonymous

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” — anonymous

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin

“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” — Aldo Cammarota

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” — Robert Benchley

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” — Charlie Brown

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” — Mark Twain

“The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.” — George Carlin

“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone

“All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.” — Sean O’Casey

“Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” — Tom Stoppard

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” — Steven Wright

“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” — Will Rogers

Vote on your favorite pseudo motivational philosophy at burtseyeview@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at www.burtonwcole.com.