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One of the coolest things about being a humor writer is that if you get busted at work scrolling through memes on social media, you can claim it's research. Not that I'm not confessing to anything.
In a completely unrelated matter that I don't care to explain, let me share some of my latest, uh, research culled from various, er, fonts of wisdom:
・ "That twenty in the tank ain't twentying like it used to." -- Cooter Bob Memes
・ I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I'm aging like milk -- getting sour and chunky.
・ When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One says, "Eat the chocolate." The other says, "You heard her -- eat the chocolate."
・ As kids, we couldn't wait for the ice cream truck to come down the street. The more things change, the more they stay the same -- except now it's the Amazon Prime truck.
・ I believe in a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
・ Why does my wife always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to "Merm frner mernferr brnerfer"?
・ I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until she apologizes.
・ The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that six out of 10 people
・ "Don't worry about your smartphone and TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years." -- Oldtimers group on Facebook
・ "I'm not really a glass half full kind of person. I'm more of a where'd I put my glass kind of person." -- Words for Women
・ Everyone needs a friend they probably shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.
・ "As soon as you say, 'My child would never…,' here they come nevering like they never nevered before." -- The Grinnin' Bear
・ I'm really glad that I was taught to play the recorder in school. It has come in really handy in adult life. I've lost count of the times I've resolved a difficult situation with a quick blast of "Three Blind Mice."
・ I just replaced the air freshener can with an air horn in the church bathroom. Now we wait…
・ "I'm in the mood to do some spring cleaning. Apparently, cabin fever has made me delirious." -- Maxine
・ Common sense is like deodorant: The people who need it the most never use it.
・ Yesterday, my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today, I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
・ I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
・ Having kids makes you realize how idiotic your lies used to sound to your parents.
・ I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered that I like food more than people.
・ "I think I will write a book about all of the things that I should be doing in my life. It will be called an oughtobiography." -- The Grinnin' Bear
Oh, hey, look -- my column's done. See, boss, I told you I was working!
Send your favorite memes to Cole at burtseye view@tribtoday.com, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or @BurtonW Cole on Twitter. He loves research.