The Magazine Card Stuffings Wallpapering System
Editor’s note: Burt is goofing off again. While we try to find him, enjoy this all-time favorite Cole Classic originally concocted on Nov. 22, 1998.
It’s time once again for practical decorating tips from Uncle Burtie, your home interiors answer man. Today, I introduce you to the Burt’s Eye Magazine Card Stuffings Wallpapering System.
I came up with this piece of sheer brilliance thumbing through a magazine while putting off replacing that paneling at the end of the hallway. I was hindered in my search for cartoons because of all those cards stapled between the pages.
You know the ones: “Subscribe now and save!” and “Please ship me my imitation china door knobs for only three easy payments of $39.95!” and “Yes, I’m aging like a moldy prune baking in the sun so rush my free life insurance packet with pictures of geezer stars on it before my signing hand gives out!!!”
As I yanked out another bale of those annoying cards, I thought there just had to be something I could use them for beside clogging my trash baskets.
There was: the Magazine Card Stuffings Wallpapering System.
Harvest a crop of magazine stuffings, get out your bottle of glue (for best comfort level results, use the kind you ate in kindergarten) and paste them onto the wall that needs papering.
And you thought only Heloise could bring you hints this good.
It’s practical. If the kids have a spaghetti fight and soak the walls with Prego’s finest, under the traditional plan, you’d be drained of what, $10 to $40 per roll to replace all the ruined wallpaper.
But with my handy dandy Magazine Card Stuffings Wallpapering System, simply remove the carnage and replace with a new batch of fabulous offers for collectible plates and porcelain dolls.
Other great advantages to this plan include all the useful information you’ll have right out in the open instead of buried in some junk pile. For example, you’ll have quick reference to some useful recipes (my personal favorite to set a wall off right is for Death by Chocolate Brownies).
Don’t forget the scratch-and-sniff perfume ads. What other wallpapering system comes with ready-made dispensers to freshen a room or set a mood in “Pearls of Passion” or “Midnight Madness”?
The only drawback to the Magazine Stuffings Wallpapering System is that unless you are careful, 73 percent of your room will be covered with cards stating, “Subscribe now at 48 percent savings off regular newstand prices.”
I see the doubt in your eyes. Before you get all judgmental on me, stroll on out to your refrigerator. You cannot even see the average American refrigerator beneath all the layers of magnets, comic panels, news clippings, snapshots and coloring book pictures.
The Magazine Card Stuffings Wallpapering System parlays that well-established and time-honored theme throughout the house.
See, it’s brilliant. Now get out there and interior decorate.
No need to thank me. Just call my wife and explain how darling you find this idea. Otherwise, I’ll have to go buy some paneling and cover up a perfectly good section of 1919 delivery truck reproductions (“Order now and save!”)
• For more home decorating tips, write Cole at firstname.lastname@example.org, on the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or @BurtonWCole on Twitter — yours for three easy installments of $39.95.