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Burton Cole

With age comes wisdom — but this just ain’t it

I heard the phrase “hidden wisdom” the other day and thought, “Hey, that’s me!” I am chock full of wisdom. I have so much wisdom that it’s rolling out of my ears. But my wisdom is hidden. It must be. Nobody can see it. “Cole, if you had a brain, you’d be dangerous,” is one of the nicer things people say to me when I proclaim something profound. Yeah, well… well… Oooh, I’m sure I’ll think of something smart to say as a retort. Because I have hidden away tons of wisdom. While I’m thinking, let me share a few of these genius nuggets I’ve collected ...

You call this cozy, when the dark of Novem-brrrr came early?

“You want me to come over and help you take those air conditioners out of your windows?” I shook my head. “I hate to do that so early. We’ve got to have another stretch of warm days, right?” The next morning when I left for the office, the thermometer shivered at 37 degrees. Because it was the first full week of Novem-brrrr. I had forgotten that November is when the “brrrr” months get serious. Septembrrrr and Octoberrrr are a pleasant but often weird variety of 90-degree highs and 40-degree lows. There’s just enough brrrr in there to relieve the monotony of summer ...

It’s too peopley outside for this introvert

I slithered through the crowd, trying to avoid contact. Not from elbows. I was afraid that someone in this bubbly mass might talk to me. Brrr. I broke through the swarm and headed for the far corner. Someone had beaten me to it. A woman — my hero — stood there in a T-shirt that proclaimed, “It’s too peopley outside.” I wanted to run right up to tell her how much I agree. Instead, I headed for the opposite far corner. Because that’s what introverts do when it’s too peopley. Crowds energize those overly social and talkative extroverts. Crowds terrorize introverts. It ...

You just made the list!

Years ago, professional wrestler Chris Jericho used a list as his schtick. If someone offended him, Jericho shouted, “You just made the list,” and angrily scratched another name on the ever-thickening pad of paper clipped to his board. Sometimes, opponents snatched the List of Jericho from Chris’ hands, scrawled their own names on the list and shoved it back at him with a what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it smirk. I wish the List of Burt worked like that. I could use the help. I wandered the grocery store aisles while patting my pockets like I was trying to put out a fire. I ...

I’m dreaming of an old Wishbook Christmas

Before it was discontinued in 2011, Sears mailed out these wonderful tomes of literature in August or September called the Christmas Wishbook. This was long before the days of Google and Amazon. We didn’t scroll through screens. We drooled over real, live paper pages in actual thick magazines that the mail lady had jammed into our mailbox. We knew that somewhere past the dress shirts, pajamas and socks (Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robots, yes, but PLEASE, no more stupid socks!) were dozens of pages filled with the most wonderful selection of toys. We boys studied the Wishbook in a way ...

An elephant in the house and other funny, finny pets

I bought new plants for my fish aquarium. I also picked up gravel, rocks and a couple decorations. I hope my fish like it. When I get fish. And when I get an aquarium. I added a box of fish food to my aquatic hope chest. Because I hope to hear the pitter-patter of little feet… er, fins… splashing about my apartment someday. It’s about time that I had some life in the place. I sure don’t have one. Orandas — those colorful, fancy fantail goldfish — are my favorite pets for a variety of reasons, the first being that an elephant wouldn’t fit. Not in my apartment, ...