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We feel your pain, Toronto

Published: Sun, November 24, 2013 @ 12:00 a.m.

By Bertram de Souza (Contact)

An open letter to the residents of the city of Toronto, Canada:

Dear Neighbors to the North:

Greetings from the Mahoning Valley, a region held hostage for 17 years by a political buffoon — a carbon copy of the one who is causing you such anxiety and embarrassment today.

For us, James A. Traficant Jr. was a nightmare we thought would never end. But then, just when we had resigned ourselves to being forever represented in Congress by an individual whose preoccupation with flatulence and other bodily functions had made him a national figure, fate (or his own venality) intervened.

Traficant went off to prison for eight years and thus ended the Valley’s political nightmare.

Likewise, you thoughtful residents of Toronto will one day be rid of your crack-smoking, foul-mouthed mayor. But until then, embrace the moment.

Indeed, if you see the humor in all that’s going on, it will be easier to accept the fact that the largest city in Canada is being led by a buffoon.

Brain ailment

It would interest you to know that while Traficant and Mayor Rob Ford do not share physical attributes — yes, they both played football, but one has kept in shape, the other has not — they do suffer from the same brain ailment.

Consider some of their more infamous public comments:

Ford: “My question is, I urinated in a parking lot. What does that have to do with anything?”

Traficant: “Mr. Speaker, is she or is she not? Rumors persist that Miss France is not a big-bone diva but actually a man. Reports say that pageant officials said they are anxiously awaiting the bathing suit contest.

“Unbelievable. Maybe J. Edgar Hoover will crown the next Miss France, Mr. Speaker.

“Hey, what is next? Will they have certification standards performed by licensed gynecologists for these pageants? Beam me up. This is not brain surgery. Even the University of Dayton School of Political Science can determine human genitalia.”

Ford: “I don’t understand. Number one, I don’t understand a transgender. I don’t understand. Is it a guy dressed up like a girl, or a girl dressed up like a guy? And we’re funding this for — I don’t know, what does it say here — we’ve giving them $3,210?”

Traficant: “Mr. Speaker, last week a girl was crowned prom king in Washington. This week we learn a whole new classification term for men and women: Transgenders. That is right, transgenders. Ohio University has designated 30 restrooms as transgender-type restrooms, able to be used by both men and women at the same time. They are officially called unisex restrooms. Unbelievable. What is next? Unisex locker rooms with thong/jock support dispensers? How about Maxipad vending machines in locker rooms? Beam me up. I yield back this higher education business as yet simply getting high.”

Ford: “Who the [expletive] do you think you are? Are you a [expletive] teacher? Do you want your little wife to go over to Iran and get raped and shot?”

Traficant: “Broadway has announced a new play called ‘The Vagina Monologues.’ I quote, the promo states that ‘Vagina Monologues uses humor and drama to explore such things as sexual fantasies, orgasms, pelvic examination and rape.’ Now if that is not enough to entice your condominium, this vaginal virtuoso is being billed as theater at its finest.

“Unbelievable. What is next? Rectal Diaries? Men are dropping like flies in America from prostate cancer, and Broadway is promoting vaginal titillation.

“Beam me up. I advise all New York men to sleep on their stomachs, and I yield back all the STDs on the East Coast.”

Ford: “I’ve changed the culture down here. You don’t hear about the scandals anymore … I mean, a money scandal.”

Dear Neighbors to the North, Traficant has been put out to pasture. Take heart. Your man is just another crack pipe away from his fall from grace.

TV ‘stars’

Incidentially, just like Mayor Ford and his brother, city Counselor Doug, Traficant had a television show on a local channel. He used the air time to rant and rave about his favorite subjects: The Internal Revenue Service; the FBI; the Chinese, and the powerful Jewish lobby in Washington that, he charged, controls the federal government.

Since the Fords’ television show lasted only a day, perhaps the mayor and the former congressman can star in a reality show called, “Nuts and Dolts.”

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