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Things will change ...


Published: Wed, March 8, 2006 @ 12:00 a.m.


When I Become Emperor:
Full-service restored at all gas stations.
Pro athletes live in towns where they play so, for once, we can call them home teams.
All $9.99 price tags changed to $10.
Sean Connery reprises 007 in next Bond movie.
Legroom in coach redesigned for people more than 4 feet tall.
Horoscopes to stop being generic ("Today is your time to focus harder on your job") and start being specific ("Buy 430 shares of Microsoft.")
"Manhattan Project" to invent a slicer that instantly sections grapefruits so you don't have to spend 11 minutes with one of those bent knives.
Weekly television drama "24" to air nightly.
An "e" added to the middle of "judgment," and an "n" to "restaurateur."
Anyone referring to perfume as "eau de toilette" will be forced to dab on water from actual toilette.
Starbucks to call a small a "small" instead of a "tall."
Teenagers to face unimaginable hardship of having monthly cell minutes capped at 1,000 (16.6 hours), instead of their usual 2,000. Worse, weekly text-messages capped at 500.
Video review of baseball umpires' calls.
Service people to arrive between, say, noon and 12:05, instead of 9 a.m. and 3 p.m.
To minimize damage, state legislature's annual session reduced to one week.
Football players allowed victory dances only after touchdowns. A routine tackle not good enough.
Ten years in maximum for faxing stock tips at 3 a.m.
Memoir writers who pass fiction as truth -- such as allegedly surviving a year among thugs in prison -- to live the experiences they claim to have had.
New midriff-police to stop females from bearing theirs if they shouldn't.
Males with potbellies banned from appearing shirtless in bleachers.
Half-dollars brought back.
Athletes compensated on performance. Drop a pass, pay docked.
CEOs, too: sales and salary go down in tandem.
Women buying tattoos above derrieres to face 72-hour waiting period, preferably in nursing homes, where they will picture what it will look like at that age.
Restaurants that don't serve sticky buns fined by the authorities.
Printer ink to cost less per ounce than Chanel No. 5.
Phone companies banned from billing for charges no one understands, including "regulatory cost recovery charge," "federal universal service charge" and "state gross receipt surcharge."
New e-mail filters smart enough to not be fooled by asterisks in words like viagra.
Burkhas for men
No foreign aid to countries requiring women to wear face-covering burkhas, unless men there wear them, too.
All electronics retooled to accommodate identical chargers.
Driving age raised to 30.
Hair salons to practice gender separation; no more seating of men next to women getting foiled, dyed and gooped.
Movie previews at theaters limited to six minutes.
TV networks banned from synchronizing commercials to keep us from surfing.
Middle-aged white men attempting hip terms like "my bad" or "yo dawg" to be incarcerated.
Sumo wrestlers to wear baggy shorts instead of white diapers.
People who pay mortgages early to be congratulated instead of penalized.
TV remotes to beep when dropped behind couch cushions.
Superstar divas who marry male background dancers to pay lifetime alimony after divorce, if only because they should have known better.
Belly button piercings illegal.
And finally, to end on an important one:
Sugar packets five times bigger so I need only one per coffee.
The Providence Journal


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