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MOVIE REVIEW A pair of 'Deuces' can't win

Published: Thu, August 11, 2005 @ 12:00 a.m.

This male hooker is so pathetic he's comfortable selling his wares to only the disabled, the deformed and the demented.
Who is killing the great "prosti-dudes" of Europe?
And might Deuce Bigalow, peque & ntilde;o gigolo, be the only man who can catch this fiend and make Amsterdam safe for the hash-smoking, sex-trading little Dutchboys?
"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" sends the repellent Rob Schneider character -- a male hooker so pathetic he's only comfortable selling his wares to the disabled, the deformed and the demented -- off to the Old World to solve this mystery. Because the sex-for-hire he-men of The Netherlands, Spain, Italy and Scotland just aren't up to the job.
So to speak.
The "Deuce" sequel is roughly twice as funny as the insipid "Dukes of Hazzard" -- which wasn't that funny -- and twice as raunchy. Welcome to August at the movies.
How they slipped this c-word-happy, bodily-fluid-flinging slapshtick past the increasingly deaf and dumb Motion Picture Association of America is the real mystery here. It must take a couple more Canadians-use-the-streets-as-a-toilet jokes to get to NC-17.
What passes for plot
Deuce has married and buried his girlfriend from the first film. The fish-loving Deuce accidentally let her get eaten by a shark. When his old pimp buddy T.J. (Eddie Griffin) summons him to Europe, Deuce seems destined to return to his old life in the sex trade.
However, as we've seen in an opening scene in which a Jude Law lookalike is whacked after servicing a whole household of Euro-aristocracy, somebody is killing off the competition. A cop, played by Jeroen Krabbe, hasn't a clue, but he busts T.J. for the crimes.
At least the cop's niece, a comic obsessive-compulsive named Eva, played by the aptly-named Belgian Hanna Verboom, is cute, with lots of "adorable" tics. Maybe Deuce can learn to love again.
After he has proven T.J. is innocent.
After he has put on a diaper, gotten stoned on brownies and taken the taunts of his fellow gigolos -- "If it isn't Deuce Not-Very-Big-Below."
And after he has questioned/serviced every woman in the various gigolos' little black books.
Cast of creeps
The gags involve a Russian born too close to Chernobyl (she has a penis for a nose), a woman who speaks with an electronic voice box and spews smoke and wine from the hole in her throat, a giantess, a hygiene-impaired yokel and so on.
Norm McDonald amuses himself playing an aged Scots gigolo.
"When they said we hadda stop serrrrrvicing under-age guuuuurulllls, I stood dooooon."
And everything ends with a big gigolo competition, where the toy boys show off the skills of their trade -- "the Portuguese Breakfast," the "Turkish Snowcone," and you get the picture.
Uninspiring spectacle
Schneider seems exhausted by this. Griffin, ever the pro, gives his all. Krabbe looks lost. Only McDonald scores every time he's on screen.
They blew half their budget on a pimp-barge for T.J. and a cool effect that has the stoned Deuce crawling into an Impressionist painting.
Not a whole lot of imagination here, though the jokes about Europe's attitude towards America post-Iraq, and the trash-talk between gigolos, are funny.
Least imaginative of all -- the TV-commercial director they hired to film it. Yeah, his name is Bigelow, Mike Bigelow. That must've been a real knee-slapper of a meeting.
"Get this, get this, we'll hire a Bigelow to direct 'Bigalow'! HAW!"

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