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MARK PATINKIN Why doesn't Cardinal Law go away?



Published: Sat, April 23, 2005 @ 12:00 a.m.



When did they start referring to college gymnasiums as "wellness centers"?

Line overheard by a man greeting a tiny baby in a friend's stroller: "Why are you smiling? You're not going to get any Social Security."

As for the moms who are shocked, shocked at what was going on at Michael Jackson's establishment -- could I ask why they let their boys sleep in a 40-something man's bedroom?

I, for one, say good for Charles for finally marrying the woman he loves. Would have saved a lot of trouble had he done it the first time.

Headline: "Cloned animals safe to eat." Wasn't it just yesterday that cloned animals were scientific superstars? Now we're eating them.

Wouldn't you think Cardinal Bernard Law would be the first to say, "Guys, for your own sake, you don't need me out front."

They say that money ruins people. I'd be willing to risk it.

About 1,000 hard-line Lebanese recently spent an afternoon marching around the U.S. Embassy in Beirut chanting, "Death to America." Will someone please tell them that such behavior is so 15 minutes ago?

Male mind

Glimpse into the male mind: If there's only one paper towel left at home, I'll dry my hands on my pants so I don't have to replace the roll.

Recent headline: "Airplanes likely to remain packed through summer." So remind me again why all the airlines are going bankrupt.

My informal survey tells me that 70 percent of drivers on cell phones are women, and 70 percent of women driving are on cell phones.

As for the case of the high-school principal who suspended a student for photographing her illegally smoking on school grounds: Did the principal really think that wasn't going to backfire?

A recent eighth-grade poetry night reminded me of the difference between the genders. Typical girl's poem: "I look into my soul and find joy and hope." Typical boy's poem: "My mitt reaches skyward; the ball falls in."

I just don't get thefts of $5 million paintings. You'd think that any rich weirdo willing to buy one on the black market and hide it in his house would be such a low-life he wouldn't have taste in art.

Who'd have ever thought Ariel Sharon would be the one forcing Jewish settlers to move out of Palestinian areas?

And while we're on the subject -- what's the next big thing?

Something's wrong when the lowest-paid major-league baseball benchwarmers make $316,000 a year to hardly ever play.

I'd take half that to hardly ever work.

Line of the week comes from Jay Leno: "Michael Jackson is so broke he's now considered poor white trash."

Finally, what's with all the ads featuring gray-haired people under the headline, "Sex. It's never too late to learn something new." Baby boomers again.

X Patinkin writes for the Providence Journal. Distrbuted by Scripps Howard News Service




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