If you've somehow managed to pull yourself away from the riveting Olympic equestrian coverage on Bravo, you may have heard about one of the more riveting (i.e. not-that-riveting) stories of this college football season.
Oklahoma senior quarterback Jason White will try to become the first player since Archie Griffin to win back-to-back Heisman trophies.
Now, forgive me for being cold-hearted, but big stinking deal.
Not many people know this, but an upstart Ohio State quarterback named Joe Scalzo actually won four Heisman trophies in one of the most stellar college campaigns in history, leading the Buckeyes to four straight BCS titles while setting nearly every single season and career rushing and passing record in NCAA history.
Impressive? Of course.
Impossible? Of course not.
It's hard to tell from my column picture, but I'm actually a 6-foot-10, 285-pound rifle-armed quarterback capable of running over defensive backs and running past defensive linemen.
I can even prove it. All I need is a Playstation 2 and my copy of NCAA 2004 -- widely known to be last year's best sports video game. (Madden was second best and anyone who doesn't agree can get his own column.)
Naturally, at some point this fall, I will buy a copy of NCAA Football 2005, even though it's pretty much the same as NCAA Football 2004.
Why? Because that's what guys do.
I don't mean to disparage a certain unnamed gender, but while they're off buying things like drapes and bread makers (which, frankly, have little or no effect on Ohio State's national championship hopes), guys like me are doing everything they can to make sure the Buckeyes finish No. 1.
Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't pay homage in this space to the greatest sports video game of all time: Tecmo Super Bowl.
If you need proof, simply ask any male born in a specific time period (let's say 1975 to, oh, 1982) and he'll nod his head and say, "Exactly."
(Side note I: He may argue that the original Tecmo Bowl is better, citing the dominance of Lawrence Taylor and/or Bo Jackson. Of course, he would be wrong, but I'll at least respect him.)
(Side note II: When I say "every male," I of course mean guys who I would be friends with. I could never be friends with someone who prefers playing "Doom" or, heaven forbid, a soccer game. Soccer video games should be allowed to exist, just as Kid Rock, mayonnaise and adverbs should be allowed to exist. Just don't expect me to be happy about it.)
Now, some of you may be wondering, "What does this have to do with actual sports? Isn't this the sports section?" If you're one of these people (i.e. a woman), you'll probably never understand, but I'll do my best to answer the question anyway.
Basically, it has everything to do with sports.
For example: Say you're watching Jason White on a Saturday afternoon this fall and he throws three touchdowns, leading the Sooners to a riveting victory over, say, Texas.
If you're a sports fan, you could have one of three responses:
UJason White is really good.
UI would like to be Jason White.
UI would like to be better than Jason White.
A true sports fan would fall in the third category, which is why, whenever I design myself on a video game, I always, ahem, slightly exaggerate my abilities. (For the uninformed, you can now design yourself on sports video games, setting levels for height, weight, speed, strength, etc.)
For instance, I'm not actually 6-10, 285. I'm probably closer to 6-6, 240. (But I do have a rifle arm. Honest.)
And if that's not enough, I always adjust the computer's skill level to the lowest setting to maximize my ability to absolutely cream the other team. (Face it, nobody dreams about being a long snapper.)
Before you know it, you'll make Jason White look like Archie Griffin.
And in this world, that's a bad thing.
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at firstname.lastname@example.org.